June 1st, 2009


Tale Of A Sounders Game Nothing

I'm not much of a soccer guy, I'll admit that much. My dad and I used to go to a bunch of Tacoma Stars games back in the late 80s because A. we were good for a few years there, and B. it was a team I could root for in Tacoma. If we'd had professional dodgeball, I'm sure I would've been a huge fan of the Tacoma Groinpulls.

We had a guy known as Preki back in his early 20s, and pretty much everyone in my elementary school wanted to be him. So really, it was peer pressure that pushed me to seeing soccer games. For some reason, I was around a bunch of kids who were really into soccer. And Preki was, like, Tom Brady to us kids. Other than that, I really can't remember much. According to Wikipedia, the Tacoma Stars hold the record for largest indoor-soccer crowd with 21,728, but other than that there isn't much to tell. They lasted in the Major Indoor Soccer League from 83 to 92 and then the MISL contracted a year later.

The only other thing I know about soccer is that hooliganism is rampant in some parts of the world.

When I was invited to participate in my first MLS experience, I naturally thought, "What a great excuse to drink a shitload of beer!" Thankfully, I met up with my group at the Pyramid Beer Garden. Thanklessly, I had a Taco Del Mar burrito that had me running to the bathroom every hour with gassy shits. The price we pay for deliciousness ...

Officially, it's a 35 minute walk from my apartment to Pyramid. It's a 25 minute walk to the Showbox Sodo. Just in case I'm interested in looking up these facts later for posterity.

I had on my jazzfest hat with my grey sleeveless t-shirt and my green cargo shorts. Essentially, the outfit I wore for the last two days of Sasquatch, only minus the puke stains. It was a robust 80-or-so degrees out, but just in case it got cold later (7:30pm start time), I brought a long-sleeve t-shirt. So, exactly the outfit I wore the last two days of Sasquatch minus the puke.

Things I noticed:

A lot of green jerseys. It's funny, because I thought they were called the Seattle Sounders FC, but really it looks like they're called the X-Box Seattle X-Box Sounders X-Box X-Box X-Box.

Soccer fans like to wear scarves. Long, wooly scarves. You'd think the alcohol would be enough to keep them warm.

Faking injuries, it isn't just for the World Cup. Shit you wish they'd flag more in the NFL is running rampant in the MLS. Oh, I'm hurt, I'm hurt, I can't walk, I can't walk ... wait, is everyone on my team back on defense? Oh, it's a miracle! I can walk this off, no problem!

I don't know what's going on 90% of the time, but I'm really good at faking it. Not really. Mostly, I boo half a second after everyone else starts booing, I cheer a second and a half after everyone else starts cheering, and the rest of the time I try to hide the puzzled, blank stare I have on my face.

Columbus scored first, early in the first half. Seattle had a penalty kick that they blew. Some stuff happened. Halftime. Seattle scored early in the second half. Some stuff happened. There was a red-card I didn't understand. Some stuff happened. The game ended.

The stadium announcer, to all of our betterment, is some kind of British. Gives us that air of sophistication we so richly needed. He also bellows advertisements for X-box at least twice a half.

Yeah, the games always sell out. No, they don't open up the top half of Qwest Field. Still, it's pretty impressive we've got this many fans here in Seattle who are so hardcore. If we can keep this team around for the next couple decades, Dads who bring their Kids will succeed in turning those Kids into Dads who'll bring THEIR Kids. It's the circle of life, motherfuckers, and it means we're never getting rid of soccer in Seattle.

The seat I had was pretty awesome. Row B (meaning, second row from the field), at the opposite end of the field from the Hawks Nest, along the side, right at the goalie box line.

For some season ticket holders, in the Hawks Nest, they get unlimited free hot dogs, nachos, popcorn, pretzels, and soda. Fuck the game, I'll be the guy eating for the next two hours! Sounds like a great way to prepare for any hot dog eating contest.

All in all, I had an awesome time. Then I sobered up and got super dehydrated. Then I hydrated and got super tired. Then I went to bed. Other stuff happened, but who cares?