May 8th, 2009


Life In & Out Of Reality

This is what happens. This is what happens when I bust my ass to get caught up on every little thing all at once. Two straight days of endless nothing. Internet celebrity blogs can only deliver me so far.

I've had these next two weekends pencilled in for some long-overdue Me Time. If there's one advantage to having your roommate discover a social life, it's that this potential Me Time could indeed be a cherished party of one.

I did a little something out of the ordinary this week, an experiment of sorts. I took on the challenge of a detox/cleansing fast. Essentially, you don't eat, you drink this concoction of water mixed with lemon juice and Grade B maple syrup (and a pinch of cayenne pepper), and at night you drink an herbal laxative tea. The big idea is: when you're hungry, you drink. And you crap a lot at first.

Well, Monday was a struggle and a half. Without heeding the advice to reduce my food intake over the weekend, I was chugging that drink like it was going out of style. But I made it, albeit I ended up fading fast and crashing around 7pm.

Tuesday was exceedingly easy. To be honest with you - and probably being my ultimate undoing - I didn't drink anything but regular, ordinary water until I got home from work. Then I had two doses of The Drink, and again went to bed early. Through it all, though, I never once felt hungry the entire day.

Wednesday, however, was another matter entirely. I made it until noon or so on regular water, then I had The Drink. But, eventually I cracked around 3pm and had a rice krispe treat down at Starbucks because I didn't feel like going out anywhere. That pretty much killed it, though I made sure the fast was good and dead that night when we had our Bowling Banquet and I had a sandwich and a cookie.

The thing is, though, not only did I feel better because I ate again, but I just generally felt better than I have in a long time. You know, physically. I don't know what to attribute this to, but the last two and a half days have been gangbusters.

See, I've got this thing with food that isn't like your ordinary fat person. I don't associate it with my feelings, like if I'm extraordinarily happy or sad I pig out. I just like food. It's pretty simple. I'm picky, I don't like all foods, but the ones I do like, I like A LOT. I can't subsist on plain baked chicken and steamed vegetables. I appreciate certain flavors, ANY flavors, and when I'm reduced to what the square community considers a healthy diet, I get incredibly bored and lash out at the first slice of pizza I see.

The obvious solution, of course, is Portion Control. Which is hard, because it requires concentration. Breaking a lifetime habit of Eating Until You're Full - which ultimately leads to Eating Until You're Stuffed - isn't something you can just do on a whim. And I've always been a guy who's finished his chores as fast as he can. As an elementary school student, I would buzz through our math quizzes like a man on fire. If I've got mindless busy-work at work, I try to get it done as quickly as possible. Hell, when I jerk off at night I'm trying to hurry up and finish so I can get some fucking sleep. And yes, even though I have a fondness for certain foods, I still see eating as a chore. Some menial task getting in the way of me doing something else (of course, the sad truth is, my entire life is a series of menial tasks I'm constantly trying to hurry up and finish; the only thing I truly sit back and relish is sleep). So, I'm always eating as quickly as possible. No conversation, eyes on the plate, readying the next bite as I'm still chewing the last. If you've eaten with me, you know. I try to slow myself down, so I'm not completely finished while the other person is still finishing their salad, but let's face it, Old Habits. Ever seen the movie Major Payne? Yeah.

It's essentially the thing that every dietician since the cavemen have been saying: you eat too fast, your brain won't process when you're full until it's too late and you're completely engorged. It's the basic Championship Eater's mentality. Only I'm not winning any belts, just buying newer, bigger ones.

Of course, I know I can change, I have before. It's all a matter of will. I need a REASON beyond Being Healthy. Which could very well be the prospect of meeting someone of the opposite sex, for sex. Which sends me right on down a whole other path.

I saw this movie last night, Is Anybody There, starring Michael Caine as an elderly man, and this British kid (I think) as a British kid whose parents own and operate a Mom & Pop Old Folks Home. The family lives with the old folks, and Michael Caine is a recent arrival.

The movie's about a lot of different things - regret, duty, appreciating your elders, coming of age, coming out of your shell - but the main thing I take away from this movie is Friendship. There are two different kinds: friendships out of necessity and out of convenience. Those out of convenience are those friends who provide you a service. You're friends with so-and-so because you enjoy watching sports and drinking; you're friends with so-and-so because he has all the coolest video games; you're friends with so-and-so because he's a good wingman; you're friends with so-and-so because you can tell them anything when you're distressed. Essentially, you're friends in name only, but really you're just co-dependents.

But friendships out of necessity - which is what this movie features between Caine and the kid - are those where you're not necessarily looking to be friends. You just find yourselves thrust together, you get to talking, and before you know it, you're enjoying your time with that person more and more, looking forward to seeing that person again and again.

These are always the stories I tend to gravitate to, especially when the two parties are social misfits. But, either way, these are the friendships that really matter in real life. When you're not getting anything from the other person except their acceptance and their company. They make all other relationships seem shallow and irrelevant by comparison.

And that's really my opinion on dating as well. You go out, meet someone in a bar, get her number and ask her out next week. You put all this effort into sprucing yourself up, into trying to be witty, into getting to know this other person not because you necessarily think this other person is all that great, but because you desire to get something out of this person. Specifically, her panties (should she be wearing them).

That's why I can't see my situation changing all that much. I'd much rather be with someone, get to know them, and then discover an attraction already there, but of course it's never as simple as that. Not in reality. And sure, some people get lucky, meet someone they're attracted to and THEN discover they have a ton in common, but that's even more rare.

Essentially, what it all boils down to is you have to settle for one or the other. They may make you do things you'd rather not do, but they look nice and they don't kill drifters with a power drill. Or you've got simpatico personalities, but you don't find them in the least attractive.

Good God, I'd rather be alone.