March 27th, 2009



You know who has two thumbs and is tired of current and former Mariners blaming Ichiro for the team's inferiority? Steven A. Taylor, nice to meet you.

That joke always works better when you point the thumbs toward yourself, but whatever. I work with what I have.

Why is it that fans of most other Major League Baseball teams get to have grown men to root for, and I've got to root for little whiny bitches? J.J. Putz, this means you. Jim Riggleman, this means you as well. Carlos Silva, just try to have another meltdown like last year. Just try not to get firebombed in the anus.

The one, single, ONLY person on your team who actually manages to perform to his capabilities and stated goals year in and year out; doesn't get injured, isn't a liability defensively, gets 200 hits every year as one of the finest leadoff men in baseball, steals the most bases on the team, and is the only person on said team who anyone outside of Seattle has ever heard of outside of Fantasy Baseball circles ...

I COULD go on, but you get the idea. Name me one man last year who didn't spend some time on the DL who played anywhere near what the standard is for quality baseball in the American major leagues. I dare you. Because I can't. Maybe Beltre? Maybe Ibanez? I know they were both injured at one time or another, hampering their productivity, but I can't remember if either landed on the DL. As for pitchers, who do we got? Ryan Rowland-Smith did everything anyone could ever ask of a pitcher, from relieving to starting. Morrow was a similar stud, but he was on the DL and also in the Minors for a brief stint during the conversion from closer to starter.

I sure as shit know Putz was on the DL! And he sure as shit knows he wasn't NEARLY as good as he was two years ago! Just because you play shitty baseball through nagging injuries DOESN'T mean you're doing anyone or anything but your own ego a service. Yeah, you're a fucking tough guy. Big fucking deal when your E.R.A. is approaching 4, you've blown 8 games, and you play only half a fucking season. You were supposed to be the one lockdown guy in our bullpen; the guy who had one of the greatest statistical seasons ever for a closer just one year prior. You didn't get it done.

Adrian Beltre, let's look at your resume. Well, you really earned that bulky paycheck with that year batting .334 with 48 homers and 121 RBI. I don't want to call a man a lying, thieving, cheating juicer, but I guess he was doing everything to help his team win in 2004 now wasn't he? Of course, that team was the L.A. Dodgers. Ever since, he's been with the Mariners and has batted .255, .268, .276, and .266 - you know, very much akin to his numbers before that 2004 anomaly. Nice. But, I guess we can't say anything about your dedication to Team, since you play above-average defense at third base. Of course, your whole career with the Mariners is a farce, since you've never been able to live up to 2004. Again, I hate to call a guy a juicer, so I'll just call him an underachieving asshole who should keep his fucking mouth shut when he's alluding to certain players who actually perform to what their contracts stipulate.

For good measure, let's just see what this "Clubhouse Cancer" has done since he's unceremoniously graced Seattle with his presence.

.350 .321 .312 .372 .303 .322 .351 .310

242. 208. 212. 262. 206. 224. 238. 213.

56, 31, 34, 36, 33, 45, 37, 43

127 111 111 101 111 110 111 103

That would be: Batting Average, Total Hits, Stolen Bases, Runs Scored.

See any anomalies there? See any mysterious dropoffs? See a man not earning his paycheck? Because I don't. I see a man who's keeping up his end of the bargain. It would behoove the other 24 members of this team to do the same.

Blaming Ichiro IS silly. It's rediculous. If he REALLY didn't care about the team, he'd be addicted to drugs, partying late into the night, and getting into fights with teammates. From what I understand, he keeps to himself. That's all he does. And that bugs the SHIT out of some people. He's a working man who has his own routine that in no way interferes with anybody else's routine. He's not preventing any of the other Mariners from succeeding, he's just doing his best to keep down his peg of the tentpole.

Then again, they could all be pissed off because they're all eating shit and he's making them look bad. I wouldn't put that past anyone.