January 24th, 2009

Don't Hassle the Hoff

Rooting For A Super Bowl Champion

Hey, most years it's easy. This time back in 2006 it was REALLY fucking easy. Sometimes it requires a well-placed bet or a well-placed hatred for one team. But, what do you do when you hate both teams equally?

I've gone back and forth about 5 million times and it comes down to two things: my gut or my head.

Little known fact about men and women: women will do things because they feel something special in their hearts; men will do those things in accordance to their guts.

Anyway, my gut tells me I have to root for the Arizona Cardinals. After all, they're the underdogs, and almost ALWAYS I root for the underdogs. But, besides that, it's the Pittsburgh fucking Steelers. They took away our only shot at a Super Bowl championship. And I don't need to suffer the slings and arrows of two very ANNOYING friends every time some debate about football comes across our beer-tinged lips. Pittsburgh fans in general are just annoying as fuck. They mock anyone who waves a towel at a game, but Jesus, if a towel is fucking YELLOW then it's the most awesome thing anyone has ever invented! Oooo, a yellow towel, let's give the guy who thought to give it a name (alliteration is sure an awesomely amazing attribute, isn't it?) like The Terrible Towel a fucking Nobel Prize for Geniusing!

The media and the NFL may force the brunt of their hype for teams like the Patriots, Cowboys, Giants, and Colts, but nobody sucks cock longer and with more sheer relish than when the media and NFL sucks on the Pittsburgh Steelers. Oh, aren't their owners amazing? Oh, aren't they such a well-run organization? Oh, isn't their team so fearsome? And Big Ben! Well, he's just like the other quarterback we talk about ad nauseum until everyone who isn't a fan wants to pull his fucking dick off and use it to kill himself: Brett Favre! Jesus Christ, who the FUCK cares? If they're such a well-run organization, then why the fuck aren't they Super Bowl champions every fucking year? I can't wait until the depression kicks in, all their good players get injured, and all of their draft picks start back-firing. Mediocrity will never taste so sweet.

But, that's neither here nor there, because my head - in spite of all of the above vitriol - is telling me to root for those Pittsburgh Steelers. Because they're playing the Arizona Fucking Cardinals. Number 1, they're in our division, and that makes them immediately one of the three most-hated teams I'm forced to hate out of loyalty. Number 2, because until this year, they've been pathetic mongrel dogs, and I can't STAND their success when by all rights this should be OUR success. Number 3, Kurt Warner is a jackass and Larry Fitzgerald is a scumbag. Number 4, and I think this is the most important one of all: I couldn't live in a world where the Arizona Cardinals are Super Bowl champs before the Seattle Seahawks. It's just unnatural in every way I can possibly imagine it!

Of course, if I took the football teams out of the equation and just focused on the geography of the matter, it doesn't clear up any. Arizona, the state, is a vast wasteland of FAIL. The old people and the suburban sprawl and the fucking weather and the fucking highway system and the fucking church-going bigots and John McCain and their banning of MLK Day in the early 90s and just the fact that it's got NOTHING to bring to the table except the Grand Canyon. Arizona Sucks.

But, then again, Pennsylvania really grinds my gears too. If you watched two minutes of election coverage on a cable news channel, you would've heard the state of Pennsylvania, the Reagan Democrats, Ed Rendell, or fucking SCRANTON, PA referenced about 9,000 times. The fact that the fucking trio of Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania decide the presidential election every fucking four years really pisses me right off. I don't care how fucking hard-working they are in Pennsylvania. I don't care how "Real" the Americans are over there. Fuck Pennsylvania, I hope all of their fucking industry is outscourced to fucking Somolia and they're left picking through the dirt for grubs to keep their worthless asses alive.

As you can see, this thing isn't going to decide itself any time soon. I could go by David Fleming and root for the Cardinal Curse to go into effect, but I don't have those close ties to the Pottsville team that was robbed of its championship in the 1920s. Maybe one day I'll read his book and reflect on this Super Bowl accordingly. But, until that time, I guess I'll just have to wait until kickoff and see who I naturally start rooting for.
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