October 21st, 2008

Don't Hassle the Hoff

Flow, F-L-O-Dub-Yuh

With such awesome material to derive from, it's unconscionable that those Coors Light commercials are as bad as they are.

Here's my dilemma: Monday and Tuesday I'm totally cool. I get tons of sleep Sunday night because I'm usually hungover Sunday day. Riding my bike to and from work both days, running a half hour on the treadmill both days, I can literally sweat five pounds of fat in two days. Then Wednesday rolls around and, all right, I can't ride my bike to work because I have to bus to work because I have to go straight home after work because I have my bowling league (cleverly named The Wednesday Nighters). OK, that's cool. One day off in the middle isn't too bad. Plus, if I'm feeling frisky, I can bring my shorts and a towel and sneak in a run on my lunch break. Even better.

Then there's the bowling. Ends at nine, I visit with my dad for an hour before leaving around ten. Get home at a quarter to eleven, unwind for an hour or so and look at the TIME! I inevitably get insufficient sleep, wake up super tired on Thursday, and what do you know? Look who's taking the bus again! And if I have post-work plans on Friday, there's a better than 90% chance I'm taking the bus that day too!

I gotta find a way to break the cycle this week. But HOW?

In other news, the word of the day is "Flow". As in: the alcohol was flowing smooth and easy last Saturday. Jager and pancakes for breakfast. Whiskey and Ginger Ale and spicy pork sausages and grilled meatballs for lunch. Jell-O Shots and beer and Taco Del Mar and Pork Fried Rice for dinner. It's not every weekend I manage the full day's a-drinkin' and I must say, this one certainly didn't disappoint.

Of course, F-L-O-Dub-Yuh also spells me peeing on Mario's dining room rug. This was after the late-night Chinese food binge-out with Nate at the end of the night. You and I will both be happy to know that my drunken stealing ways have returned. My kleptomania is only surpassed by my need for free useless shit. Did I steal some bread to feed the homeless? Did I steal a 5-pound purple weight and do bicep curls around Montlake? Did I steal Mark's $87 in tip money? Oh HELL no. I stole a fork from a struggling Chinese dine-in restaurant on the Ave. And I wasn't even sly about it because Nate was outside looking at me pocket it through the window.

We had to knock really loudly once we got into Mark and Mario's apartment building (fortunately I had the pass-code memorized after having it told to me about a billion times), and after a few tries, Mario woke up enough to let us in. I nabbed the couch, stripped to my boxers, and curled up under a blanket.

After that, who the fuck knows?

What we do know is that one of the dining room chairs was set out from the table, while the other three were where they stood the previous night, untainted. We know the seat cushion was in the lifted position, much like a toilet seat. We know the rug underneath the dining room table was pretty drenched. We know that Nate WATCHED me pee and thought he was hallucinating. And we know that, like most men, I failed to put the seat cushion back down.

Mario's just happy I didn't have to take a shit. I imagine that would be pretty difficult to get out of wicker chairs.

Alcoholism - it isn't for the prideful.

The day was a lot more even keel. Sure, I may have had an accident or three with my drinks (foreshadowing to that night's golden showers perhaps?), spilling precious Maker's Mark onto the asphalt in the parking lot of Husky Stadium. But I'm not a spiller and that's final!

Julie was in town from San Fran; that was the catalyst for the day's events. There was route-running in the parking lot (I was a fucking AMAZING quarterback, nailing people in stride, leading my team to touchdowns every time we had the ball; though, to be fair, my pass-catching abilities would've made Jerramy Stevens look like Jerry Rice, damn drunken coordination). There was also darts at the College Inn, where I severely dominated. Pretty much I was Jim Thorpe crossed with Jim Brown in the world of athletics on this day.
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