Hell, I Can Make It Anywhere, Even If I Am A Fuck Up

This is what I do on a Sunday when I'm bored out of my mind. I make up pointless hypothetical lists.

The only rules here are: I'm not doing a true all-time team because I didn't start watching the M's until '95. Also, you can't count any of the players' numbers from before they joined the team, but you can count what they did after they left, since it was management's fault they left in the first place (for the most part). Still, I'm trying to give more creedence to their stats while ON the team.

OK. So the starting outfield is going to look like this:

Ichiro in left
Ken Griffey Jr. in center
Jay Buhner in right (since I figure he had the better arm)

Infield:

3rd Base - Adrian Beltre
Short Stop - Alex Rodriguez
2nd Base - Bret Boone
1st Base - Tino Martinez
Catcher - Dan Wilson

You wouldn't believe the crap we've had at 3rd over the years. It was between Beltre, Mike Blowers, Russ Davis, and David Bell. I picked Beltre because while his numbers at the plate might not be as good, he's the best defensive 3rd baseman we've had, and he still has some pop at the plate. 1st Base was a little tougher, because we also had John Olerud, David Segui, and the very underrated Paul Sorrento. I went for clutchness. Tino's my man. Never should've let him go.

Now, the starting rotation. This is kinda tough, since our rotations over the last 13 years have been spotty at best.

1 - Randy Johnson
2 - Freddy Garcia
3 - Jamie Moyer
4 - Chris Bosio
5 - Felix Hernandez

Moyer, obviously, is our second-best starter in this period, but I'm splitting him and Randy up so we don't have two lefties going back-to-back. I think, when all is said and done, Felix and Freddy will swap places in that order, but for now, the performances don't really bear out. Bosio threw one of the team's two no-hitters, so eff-off. He's a horse from the old school, a fine number 4.

The bullpen was even tougher, since we never really had a good one until very recently. Nevertheless, over the years, enough studs have stood out.

Closer - Norm Charlton
8th Inning Set Up 1 - Mike Jackson
8th Inning Set Up 2 - Jeff Nelson
7th Inning Relief - Shigetoshi Hasegawa
Lefty - Arthur Rhodes
Long Relief - Paul Abbott
(Optional second Long Reliever) - Rafael Carmona

I can't, with good conscience, have J.J. Putz as our closer until he finds a way to regain his form from last year and hang onto it for a few more seasons. Jose Mesa was a bum, as was Heathcliff Slocumb, Kaz Sasaki, and Eddie Guardado. I'll take Norm in his prime anyday. Should we need another long-reliever sometime in the season, I'm calling up Rafael Carmona, because he was an awesome reliever in the late 90s.

Bench:

Designated Hitter - Edgar Martinez
Backup Catcher - John Marzano
First Base - John Olerud
Outfield/Pinch Runner - Charles Gipson
Outfield/Infield - Mark McLemore
(26th Man, Outfielder/Pinch Hitter) - Raul Ibanez

Edgar is too obvious to even mention. I'd always want Marzano backing us up and helping kick some ass during brawls. Olerud would be the first pinch hitter off the bench when we needed a clutch hit vs. a right-handed reliever. Charles Gipson is Willie Bloomquist only faster and with a better arm, in the off chance we needed a defensive replacement in an outfield with outstanding arms. McLemore can play any position, he can pinch run, he could probably even pitch a couple innings of mop-up relief. That guy's certified badass. And Raul is just a good hitter to have around. Him and Rafael Carmona would switch between Seattle and Tacoma, depending on if our bullpen got tired or not.

Now, onto the batting order:

1. Ichiro
2. A-Rod
3. Griffey
4. Edgar
5. Buhner
6. Tino
7. Boone
8. Beltre
9. Wilson

How about THAT, huh? Wouldn't you like to see THAT team kick some major tail? I know I would.

P.S. I tried, I REALLY tried to withhold Arthur Rhodes from my bullpen, but dammit, there just haven't been any good lefties down there! I couldn't, in good conscience, put George Sherrill in there (unless, that is, he goes on to dominate in Baltimore for years to come).

Other Honorable Mentions:

Bob Wells, long reliever
Mike Timlin, 8th Inning Set-Up
J.J. Putz, 8th Inning Set-Up
Willie Bloomquist - bench player
Stan Javier - bench player
Bucky Jacobson - mascot

This is what I do on a Sunday when I'm bored out of my mind. I make up pointless hypothetical lists.

The only rules here are: I'm not doing a true all-time team because I didn't start watching the Hawks until '86. Also, you can't count any of the players' numbers from before they joined the team, but you can count what they did after they left, since it was management's fault they left in the first place (for the most part). Still, I'm trying to give more creedence to their stats while ON the team.

Let's start with the Defensive Line (we've played a 4-3 since as far back as I can remember):

DE - Michael Sinclair
DT - Cortez Kennedy
DT - Joe Nash
DE - Jacob Green

Actually, I lied, because I always remember Joe Nash playing nose tackle, but in my world, he's slotted next to the 1992 Defensive Player Of The Year. Sinclair had a few outstanding seasons with us, including owning the single-season team-record in sacks. Green owns the all-time team record in sacks. In the rotation at tackle, I'd throw in Sam Adams, for a real jumbo look. Jeff Bryant would probably go in at the end when someone needed a break.

Linebackers:

OLB - Rufus Porter
MLB - Lofa Tatupu
OLB - Julian Peterson

I know this sounds like I'm just favoring the defenders we have now, but honestly we've never had a middle linebacker like Tatupu; AND he's been to the Pro Bowl every year he's played. I tried to find someone besides Peterson on the outside, but frankly, we have NEVER had anybody who can do the things he can do. Rufus was just an intimidating presence, and an extremely hard hitter. He's what Tatupu and Peterson say LeRoy Hill is like now. The Backups are as follows:

OLB - Chad Brown
MLB - Dean Wells
OLB - Fredd Young

Brown was probably better and more explosive when he was first with the Steelers, but he did some amazing things while in a Seahawks uni. Dean Wells was simply a tackling machine. And Young, while not playing all that many seasons with the Hawks, was an all-pro.

Secondary:

CB - Dave Brown
SS - Kenny Easley
FS - Eugene Robinson
CB - Shawn Springs

This was my most difficult catagory. I looked through every roster, trying to find names that stood out, but it was impossible. We just haven't had a notable secondary, except for the two Ring Of Honor players in Brown and Easley. I think Eugene Robinson should be a Ring Of Honor guy, but what do I know? I settled on Shawn Springs because he's been pretty steady his whole career. I think Marcus Trufant could surpass him one day, but he'd have to continue racking up Pro Bowl selections. As a backup safety, I'd go with Robert Blackmon, very hard-hitting guy from the crappy 90s teams.

Special Teams:

Kicker - John Kasay
Punter - Rick Tuten
Long Snapper - J.P. Darche
Kick Returner - Steve Broussard
Special Teamer - Josh Scobey

I went with Kasay over Josh Brown because of what he's done over a longer career. Plus, fuck Josh Brown for signing with the Rams. Rootin' Tuten is an obvious pick, he led the league in punting average for a while there. Our long-snapping game has never been the same since J.P. Darche was cut; what fools we were! Steve Broussard, the little running back from WSU, had a helluva return average for us. And Josh Scobey was a monster who tackled everything in his path.

Now, onto the Offensive Line:

LT - Walter Jones
LG - Steve Hutchinson
C - Kevin Mawae
RG - Chris Gray
RT - Howard Ballard

Walt is our big hall of famer, so that's a no-brainer. Hutch will most likely go in as a Viking, but whatever, he's still a madman who we were fucking RETARDED for transition-tagging. Kevin Mawae I chose over Robbie Tobeck because he's just as great of a leader, plus he went on to do great things for the next decade for other teams. Chris Gray owns the team record for consecutive starts, which ultimately led me to choose him over Pete Kendall. And Howard Ballard was a poor man's Walter Jones, which is still amazing, and definitely better than Ray Roberts or Heather Locklear.

Tight Ends:

Christian Fauria
Carlester Crumpler
Itula Mili

Go ahead, FIND me a good tight end! I dare you! I think Mili might own the team record for receptions by a tight end, but who the fuck cares? Crumpler was the best blocker of the three, and Fauria was the overall package, if you can even use that phrase to describe what has been a black hole for this team since its inception. Fucking Jerramy Stevens.

Wide Recievers:

X-Receiver - Steve Largent
Slot Receiver - Brian Blades
Z-Receiver - Joey Galloway
4th Receiver - Bobby Engram
5th Receiver - Darrell Jackson

I'm putting Largent out wide by himself on 3-wide sets. The other side will have Galloway out wide with Blades in the slot. Bobby's probably got the best hands aside from Largent, and D-Jack was probably the most clutch, again, aside from Largent.

Running Backs:

Starter - Shaun Alexander
3rd Down Back - Curt Warner
Blocking Fullback - Mack Strong
Catching Fullback - John L. Williams

Pretty much, every defense out there will know what I'm going to do, because when Alexander is in there, Strong will be blocking for him. And when Warner is in there, he'll be alongside John L. in a pro-set backfield. Of course, I won't be afraid to run it out of the pro-set, but I definitely won't let my quarterback throw to Alexander.

Quarterbacks:

Starter - Matt Hasselbeck
2nd String - Dave Krieg
3rd String - Warren Moon

This was the easiest catagory of them all. Since I never saw Jim Zorn play, obviously I can't have him as my 3rd Stringer, but Moon still put up some outstanding numbers as a past-his-prime hurler on some mediocre teams in the late 90s.

Head Coach:

Mike Holmgren, duh.

Anyway, that's it. Now onto the honorable mentions:

Paul Skansi - Wide Receiver
LeRoy Hill - Linebacker
Mike McCreary - Defensive End
Jeff Bryant - Defensive End
Bennie Blades - Safety
Derrick Mayes - Wide Receiver
Jeff Feagles - Punter
Nico Koutivedes - Special Teamer
Karsten Bailey - Kick Returner
Chuck Knox - Assistant Coach
Ricky Watters - Running Back
Chris Warren - Running Back
Robert Blackmon - Safety
Terry Wooden - Outside Linebacker
Brian Bozworth - Mascot