January 24th, 2008


She Moaned So Loud When She Came That It Woke The Neighbours Up

Just in case you're wondering, these last two titles have been opening lines from Spam E-mails I get almost daily in my Gmail Spam Folder promoting Penis Enlargement. Do women get the opposite? Vagina Tightening or something?

"When he's inside you, does it feel like a swizzle stick stirring a margarita? Tighten up in six short weeks with this cream!"

So, I learned something about myself yesterday. I don't know if it means that I'm officially Elevated in the sense that I can no longer appreciate watching moronic things on TV or if it means the Adult A.D.D. is in full bloom. But I seriously COULD NOT sit still and pay attention to "The Moment Of Truth" for the full hour.

Here's the premise: they answered 50 questions beforehand while connected to a lie detector. The show chooses 21 questions to ask in front of three people (usually a spouse and a couple friends). There are six money levels you can get to where you can stop any time and take the money, but if you fuck up and lie then you get Zero Dollars.

The first money level is $10,000 and you have to answer six questions to get there. And it takes FOR-EV-ER!!! Peppered in between the actual game show questions, the annoying fucknut host keeps asking these seemingly benign lead-in questions that just slows everything down. Then, for some reason, the contestant has to pause for ten seconds before answering YES/NO, then there's another brutal pause before a computerized woman's voice tells us what he said was either True or False.

It goes on like this for EVERY question! And then he talks to the Spouse/Friends for another minute, and then he asks another question. It's fucking rediculous, a quarter of the show passed before he reached the first money level last night!

And it's not like the questions are all that bad at first either! More than anything, they're embarassing for the contestant more than hurtful to the loved ones, but the host makes it sound like he just passed the YES/NO equivalent to running the gauntlet in American Gladiators.

If it continues like this - and surely it will since they already filmed a season's worth of shows beforehand - then I couldn't possibly bring myself to watch anymore. It's just too slow and tedious; I'd AT LEAST have to be fucking around on the Internet while it was on in the background or SOMETHING. One suggestion: do it like Millionaire, blow through the initial six questions like a lightning round to at least get us engaged quicker. I want to feel like I'm watching a Game Show and not a dentist drilling for cavities with pine needles.