December 13th, 2007


Fuck It, Sports: Boone Stutz, We Hardly Knew Ye

Seahawks - So, I guess our first long-snapper's porridge was too soft, and ol' Boonie's bed was too hard, let's hope Old Man McGee - out of football since 2005 - has what it takes to hit our punter's hands JUST right.

What did I say about ruing the day we let J.P. Darche go? What did I say?

Mariners - It looks like that hotshit Japanese pitcher we've been coveting is about to be stolen from us by the likes of the Los Angeles Dodgers, even though we're offering more money per year and more years per deal. Apparently having a catcher that speaks the language and being the Home of Ichiro just isn't enough for this guy. On the plus side, we traded Ben Broussard and re-signed Horacio Ramirez. Hang on, it's getting difficult to type while I'm holding this gun inside my mouth.

Yes, you heard that right. We TRADED our most productive bench-hitter and first baseman to save around $4 million, and we RE-signed a pitcher who went 8-7 with an ERA over 7.00. What do these moves mean for the Mariners' current needs? ... Well, we need a left-handed bench-hitter and first baseman and we need a starting pitcher who's not Horacio Ramirez. Great job guys, I would've figured doing the exact opposite of the Worst Case Scenario might be a smart way to move, but obviously you've got other ideas. I hope ownership has their Short List ready for potential new GMs for 2009, because this offseason already smacks of Letdown Season and it's not even technically winter yet.

Sonics - Seattle played the Knicks last night at the Garden and I probably could've gotten a scalped ticket for a used wad of chewing gum, but it conflicted with my moratorium of Not Spending Money and Not Going Out During The Week. Plus, I figure I'll have a solid half-a-season to see the Sonics play either on TV or in person when I get home, so fuck it. Still, with how bad this team is, catching them on a winning night might be more rare than me getting a handjob from a supermodel.

MLB - If the Mitchell Report falls in the woods and I don't give a shit, does it make a sound? There are only two active players I'm worried about - Ichiro and Ken Griffey Jr. - so if either of them show up, I'd be pretty shocked/crushed. Other than that, as long as they don't try to smear The Edgar's good name, I'm cool. On the flipside, for my own peace of mind, I HAVE to see Bret Boone's name on there, otherwise his 2001 season will flabbergast me more than it already does.

NFL Playoff Predictions - Three weeks after my first set of predictions, things are going according to plan. The only slip-up was not taking Minnesota seriously, but I still think they won't be able to hang and New Orleans will sneak in there at the 6-seed. Big game for them against Arizona this week. Also, it's looking like a two-team race for the 6-seed in the AFC with Tennessee still alive and battling Cleveland. I still think the Browns will fade. Mostly anticlimactic end to the NFL season, but should set up for a smashing success of a postseason.

Top 64 Quarterbacks - Anybody catch this ESPN Insider Free Preview article listing the top 64 QBs playing right now, including backups? Anybody see that Carson Palmer and Ben Roethlisberger are BOTH ahead of Hasselbeck? Forgive me for being a homer, but Palmer is rediculously mediocre this year considering all the talent he has around him. And Big Ben? That's a run-first attack that asks him to win it through the air 1 out of 4 or 5 games and even THEN he manages to fail miserably like in last week's loss to New England! What are we basing this on, exactly? It certainly isn't importance to a team's success, because while these other teams have other facets to fall back on offensively, the Seahawks have a shitty line, average running backs, average receivers, and a back-up QB who's 5'11 and has started a handful of games. I'm convinced they're basing this list on how well these QBs performed against Cleveland, because really, if that's all you took into account, Palmer and Roethlisberger were pretty amazing, given the circumstances.

Hey Kids, Rock N' Roll, Rock Hall!

As preamble, you're only eligible for induction into the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame 25 years after you release your first record (albums, eps both apply). The following are eligible today and not in:

Ozzy (though, in with Black Sabbath, not as a more-popular solo artist)
Black Flag (one of the most influential hardcore punk bands of the early 80s)
The Cure (one of the most influential goth bands of the 80s)
The Misfits
Iggy Pop
Motorhead (Lemmy IS God)
George Thorogood (say what you will, this guy made motorcycles cooler than they already are)
Barry White (the Hall needs more sexifyin' in there)
Bill Withers (ditto)
Alice Cooper (a stinking fucking travesty)
Joe Cocker (ditto)
King Crimson (ditto)
The Stooges (more hatin' on the punk music scene, they get no respect I tell ya!)
Country Joe & The Fish
Jeff Beck (one of the most legendary guitar gods of all time)
The Sonics (the first great rock n' roll band from the Seattle area)
Dolly Parton (Mario would be displeased)

Anyway, the list goes on and on and on. This year, they had a chance to right some wrongs; instead they decided to induct this castrated bunch of limp dicks.

Dave Clark 5 (some pre-Beatles Brit-pop band in the 60s)
Leonard Cohen (pretty awesome poet, pretty pathetic rocker)
Madonna (she once had really pointy bras)
John Mellencamp (a poor-man's John Fogarty)
The Ventures (probably a solid pick, nice instrumental rock band from the 60s)

And these are the vaunted four who were NOMINATED and didn't win:

Afrika Bambaataa (cool name, not much of an impact nationwide, even as far as rap goes)
Beastie Boys (not really fair since this time in 1982 they were a shitty punk band; they didn't get good until '86, so don't induct them until 2011)
Chic (bullshit)
Donna Summer (ditto)

Disco has no place in the Hall. Have a little self-respect.

While I'll admit, this was a weak class overall, they could've used this year to induct some really deserving candidates. Instead, we get the Who Fucking Cares lineup. Is ANYBODY remotely excited about this year's ceremony and batch of performances? I can hear 'Jack & Diane' for the millionth time and 'Our Country' for the billionth? Madonna can trot out the same batch of radio-friendly hits she's been beating to death for the last two decades? Leonard Cohen can sound like he inhaled a smokestack? Where can I sign up?

I know this means nothing, but here's the five I would've elected this year, in no particular order:

Alice Cooper
The Stooges
Black Flag
Jeff Beck
The Cure

Just imagine THAT lineup knocking you on your ass! Gets me wet just thinking about it. Maybe I'd put The Misfits instead of The Cure, but I gotta be honest, even though I'm not the hugest Cure fan around, they WERE pretty bigtime. Besides, Glenn Danzig will always have a place in MY Rock Hall. When I'm finished building it. Sometime in 2035.