December 6th, 2007


Candidates, Please Raise Your Hand If You Are AGAINST Paroling Raping Murderers

Ah Ah Ah, Not so fast Mr. Huckabee.

It never fails to warm my heart whenever a scumbag Republican politician faces potentially unjust flak for things probably outside of his control.

So, today's the big Office Christmas Party. In my efforts to fight against assimilation into any corporate office environment, no matter how polite and genial the co-workers, I have a "Friend's Birthday" to attend tonight. *Cough Cough* I'm also a little under the weather, *Cough Sniffle*

However, I will partake in this 1-Day Only Limited Time Offer to wear Casual Dress to work.

You know what sucks? When there are only two other guys in an office dominated by women, nobody notices when the fairer sex is attired in Casual Garb because they're pretty much allowed to wear anything they want anyway AND they actually have the desire to look presentable out in public, even on days like today when they don't have to.

I, on the other hand, stand out like a sore thumb EVEN THOUGH I chose to go gray slacks over jeans and a button-down shirt with a collar over my "Sexy Bitch" pink t-shirt I was originally planning on unveiling. All because I opted to wear my black-and-gray New Balance running shoes over my black Ecco dress shoes. I've gotten more than my fair share of disgusted looks and it's not even 11am yet.

Look, I have three pairs of shoes. Black Dress, Black-&-Gray Running, and Brown Jesus Sandals. They're lucky I didn't come in here wearing shorts and a tank top.

By the way, consider my ass never shopping in a mall ever again. Ever.

Why All My NFL Picks Will Win This Week, Upsets Abound

I'm assuming Washington is a fairly consensus pick since they're at home and the Bears defense couldn't stop a salmon flopping on the field, so I'm picking Chicago because ... well, these are just two terrible offenses, but nothing about the Redskin defense impresses me, and I still think Grossman is capable of utilizing that last ounce of smoke and mirror to get teams interested in him for a contract next season.

I'm assuming Jacksonville is a fairly consensus pick since they're playing against Carolina, so I'm picking Jacksonville because ... I'm not an idiot.

I'm assuming Dallas is a fairly consensus pick since they've lost 1 game and need to win 1 more to wrap up home field advantage (according to my sources, who are known to be inveterate liars), so I'm picking Detroit because ... they're at home and Jon Kitna still should have God on his side and if they're ever going to get to 10 wins in THIS season, they'd better start winning now.

I'm assuming Green Bay is a fairly consensus pick since they're at home and it looks like Favre will be starting, so I'm picking Oakland because ... a guy can still dream about the Seahawks having a first round bye, right? Maybe the Raiders D will step up; maybe Sapp will make Favre his bitch again; maybe Fargas will have a Fargas-like game that only Fargas can achieve.

I'm assuming the San Diego at Tennessee game is a toss-up because San Diego constantly flutters between amazing and attrocious, so I'm picking San Diego because ... I think the allure of Tennessee at home will attract more pickers out there and I'm trying to make up some ground late in the season.

I'm assuming the Giants are a fairly consensus pick since they're playing for a playoff spot while Philly's playing for pride, so I'm picking Philly because ... I have their defense going on my fantasy team and Kon's got Eli going on his. I need a Philly rout.

I'm assuming Tampa at Houston is a toss-up because while Tampa has a good record, Houston's got some fire and we don't know if Garcia's playing or not, so I'm picking Houston because ... I'm sick and tired of people saying Tampa is a viable 3-seed option when we beat them in week 1.

I'm assuming Buffalo is a fairly consensus pick since they're playing Miami, so I'm picking Miami because ... I honestly don't know why, except that they're due and they've been due since week 5. And Trent Edwards? Come on. And Lynch will probably be out and because Buffalo just loves to torture their fanbase.

I'm assuming Cincinnati is a fairly consensus pick since they're at home and they're less decimated by injuries, so I'm picking St. Louis because ... They've been on a decent tear since getting Jackson back, and because Cincy loves to lose whenever I pick them, and because Palmer will probably underperform which will result in my fantasy team missing the playoffs and losing in the first round of the Consolation Bracket to the Vers. Because I'm JUST that lucky.

I'm assuming Minnesota is a fairly consensus pick since they're playing San Francisco and they have the two best running backs in the game, so I'm picking the 49ers because ... they're at home. And In Dilfer We Trust. And because Minnesota is an up-and-down kind of team and this feels like a trap game to me. Honestly, I'd pick the 9ers even if I weren't 90 games behind the leader in pick 'em.

I'm assuming Seattle is a fairly consensus pick since they're at home and on a roll, so I'm picking Seattle because ... of the reasons I just said. Plus they're just plain better than the Cardinals. Now watch us lose in overtime.

I'm assuming New England is a fairly consensus pick since they're at home and they're fucking FILTHY, so I'm picking Pittsburgh (even though I know they'll lose because they can't win on the road) because ... it seems like the right thing to do. I have no tangible reasons, unlike the mildly amusing Flem File in today's Page 2.

I'm assuming Cleveland is a fairly consensus pick since they're playing the Jets, so I'm picking the Jets because ... Cleveland isn't THAT great on the road, and if I know anything it's that there's always at least ONE bad team that struggles for 12 weeks and then pulls out enough wins in December to save their coach's job.

I'm assuming Denver is a fairly consensus pick since they're at home and KC's been struggling mightily for some time now, so I'm picking KC because ... Denver's run defense is shit and Kansas City knows how to grind the clock when they have to.

I'm assuming Indy is a fairly consensus pick since they're playing Baltimore and still playing for the number 2 seed, so I'm picking Indy because ... I never pick against Indy. Plus I'm hoping last week's Ravens showing will sway some fools their direction.

I'm assuming New Orleans is a fairly consensus pick since they're better in every facet than the Falcons, so I'm picking the Saints because ... I will have three guys going that night (Brees, Bush, Colston) and that game will single-handedly decide my fantasy team's fate. I need them to drop 40+ or I'm going home for Christmas in every sense of the phrase.