November 19th, 2007


I'm giving you a choice: either put on these glasses or start eatin' that trash can.

Not this year.

OK. All right. OK.

"They Live" just might be the greatest film known to man

(say it with me: Like Anybody Could Even Know That!).

Now, I'm not the biggest 'There's Something About Mary' fan out there, but I am a HUGE fan of the dad in that movie. You know, Mary's dad (or step-dad, or whatever; was paternity ever established?), the black guy making light of the bean and the frank and et cetera. I only know him from that and as that pimp in 'Requiem For A Dream' and I seem to remember him acting in some Vietnam War movie I've since can't remember ('Platoon' maybe?).

Anyway, he's in this movie "They Live" that I just watched last night after consuming a Seahawks Victory's worth of beer at the bar (while making goo-goo eyes with the waitress named Kelly who's got a pleasant amount of cushion for any and all vigorous pushin' and an affinity for the TV show Cheers, but that's neither here nor there). And I'm telling you, John Carpenter just might be the greatest film director known to man!

So, that guy's in this movie, starring alongside a poor man's British Brian Bosworth, and the whole movie takes place over a period of a couple days. The Boz finds this box full of sunglasses where - when you put them on - you can see things for how they really are. Aliens are among us! They're controlling our minds through subliminal propaganda that we can't really see, but that which still brainwashes us nonetheless. Anyway, with these glasses, The Boz can now see who are humans and who are really aliens masquerading as humans. He and Mary's Dad must now infiltrate this underground alien society and bring them down from the inside.

But not before the single greatest man-to-man fight scene in the history of the world. See, before they team up, Mary's Dad doesn't want The Boz to cause any trouble. He needs this construction job, dammit! He's got FIVE kids to feed, or some such thing like that. Well, all The Boz wants is for Mary's Dad to try on the glasses.

But Mary's Dad don't WANT to try on the glasses.

And it's on! In a back-alley, these two lumbering brutes go at it with anything available. Multiple knees to the groin, the whole nine yards.

Have you ever seen the 'Cripple Fight' episode of South Park? That fight was an exact replica of this fight, right down to the dialogue (You dirty motherfucker!).

Go find 'em on YouTube, the clips should be there. I'm currently in the process of making up a drinking game for this movie.

I'd tell you how it ends, but by that point I was more interested in the plate full of fries I baked in the oven and that last can of Budweiser wasn't helping the ol' memory bank. Just rest assured, awesomeness ensued.

Not This Year!

The Seahawks may be a far cry from what a Super Bowl team is supposed to be, but dammit they came out fighting yesterday!

I know we're only 6-4 and we frittered away a couple games we should've won on the road and Green Bay and Dallas refuse to blink in this inferior of conferences and we're locked and loaded into the 3-seed with assured road games in the playoffs and still only one game up on Arizona with a showdown at the Q next month ... but right now I couldn't be more pleased with this football team.

Of course, all of that will blow away faster than a dandelion in a hurricane if we don't follow this win with a thorough stomping in St. Louis next weekend, but I'll have you know I was grinning a mile wide last night (and not just because the Jets made fools of those damned Steelers in overtime).

Just like that we were down 10-0 and it looked like we were Chicago's little kid brothers getting a healthy dose of titty-twisters and Indian burns. Cecile Benson was lopping off 40-yard runs and Grossman wasn't being pressured into poor throwing decisions! We were a one-dimensional offense playing like a one-dimensional offense and our kicker pulled a make-able 44 yard field goal inside the friendly confines of Qwest Field.

Then somehow something clicked. Bing bang boom we were down the field, Hasselbeck making masterful throws in traffic to heavily guarded receivers. A slipped tackle here, a 3rd down conversion there, and all of a sudden - with our full allotment of receivers on the field for the first time since the first quarter of the first game of the season - we showed that we're once again that potent offense that can score at will against any defense.

Granted, now we can't keep teams guessing. We can't keep them honest by holding seven or eight men in the box and then bulling them over anyway. We've got to finesse them. We've got to dink and dunk them and - when the iron's hot - we've got to pierce their souls with a 20-yard strike down the middle of the field on a post pattern in the endzone.

We can't run the ball anymore and everyone knows it. But we can throw the fuck out of that football and now it's time to start flaunting that ability. And if we can take advantage of this advantage, we just might start to resemble something deserving of playing in Arizona this February.


Some People Call Me Maurice Morris busting through the left side of the line for a 20-yard TD. The Bears D looked mighty soft most of the day.

4th & Inches after two failed attempts to run for one yard, Holmgren FINALLY decides to Play-Action Pass. What happened? The Bears D overcommitted, Marcus Pollard slipped wide open to the right, caught the ball at the first down marker and wasn't stopped until he was 20 yards down field.

The Seahawks kickoff coverage did everything but kick the ball out of bounds rather than risk Devin Hester embarassing us with a TD return. So, what happened when we finally boomed it straight and true? The Bears had their worst post-kickoff field position of the day AND Josh Brown made an inspired open-field tackle of the tamed Hester. That's right, Brown 1, Hester 0.

How about Patrick Kerney earning that bigtime White Defensive End money? He was looking like a pigmently-impaired Reggie White out there in the second half, single-handedly destroying the right side of the Bears' O-line to the tune of three sacks, a forced fumble, and a pass deflection. Don't look now, but that's 5 sacks in the last 4 games. Eat your heart out, Grant Wistrom!

I noticed McNabb went down in the Eagles game yesterday. A certain football team from Seattle will be playing those very same Eagles in two weeks ...

I noticed Carolina is still starting Rumpelstiltskin at quarterback ...

I noticed a certain Kyle Boller ...

Joey Harrington ...

Kurt Warner ...