November 5th, 2007


Deal Me A Fucking Meal

I don't know how widely believed this notion truly is, but there's a semblance of a consensus out there that there are three phases to every diet. The first is very dramatic and extreme, where you go about in redefining your body chemistry. All of it is very technical and scientific, but what it boils down to is that you increase your insulin levels so that your body processes food better. In layman's terms, you're increasing your metabolism so fat cells don't store up as much, your stomach decreases in size so you don't eat as much food to begin with, and the fat cells you've already locked in there are starting to be used for energy. This phase lasts about a couple weeks and if you go about it correctly, you'll lose somewhere in the vicinity of 10 pounds.

Phase 2 is the bitch. It's the bulk of the diet that gets you from Week 3 to your goal weight. It's not as extreme because the dieter reintroduces certain foods he's otherwise denied himself in those first two weeks. This part is boring and useless without constant and regimented exercise. Don't listen to what anybody tries to tell you; you can't sit, breathe, or squeeze-a-thigh-master your way to losing weight. You've got to run, you've got to work your abs, and if you've got the time and energy after that, you can go hog wild with weightlifting or whatever.

Phase 3 is what the weight-loss experts will tell you is the maintenance phase. It's where you're at your goal weight and now you've got to stay there. This is where most everyone fails.

See, most everyone gets to their goal weight and thinks they can go back to eating whatever they want and not exercising whatsoever. Doesn't work that way and you're a fool if you think it does. You can go one of two ways here: you can eat whatever you want and continue with the daily exercise program; or you can eat like a bird and sit around doing nothing. I already know which one I'm going to do.

Where these diet books fail is in this maintenance phase. They tell you to stick to grains and vegetables and lean cuts of meat for the rest of your life while you "Walk An Hour A Day" and count calories. Fuck that! Of the foods I enjoy eating, I'd have to say 98% of them would be banned by any accredited diet book. I like pasta in large quantities, I like large slices of pizza with pepperoni grease pooling on my plate, I like White Castles by the dozen and Taco Del Mar burritos in the jumbo size. Once I get to 190 pounds, I'm not going to waste my life eating skinless white pieces of chicken with steamed broccoli; I'm just not! I'm not going to start walking a mile to Subway when I can drive two blocks to McDonalds! And I'm not going to eat one more serving of Top Ramen until my weight becomes a problem again.

You want to lose weight? Don't listen to these Atkins and South Beach fuckwads. Losing weight is really fucking simple: you can join the military, you can move to rural China and farm and eat white rice all day, or you can simply cut your caloric intake to half the daily recommended amount and start running 40 minutes a day. Not all this "3 meals a day plus snacks" "eat until your hunger is satisfied" nonsense.