October 17th, 2007


So What Have We Learned?

We've learned that, when I'm on the Top Ramen Diet, my body is a fragile ecosystem whereby the slightest influence from anything outside the norm results in a night full of runny shits and a complete lack of a workout. I had my clothes on, the running shorts, the sweatshirt for getting me from point Apartment to point Gym, the water bottle in hand, the headphones resting around my neck in the off position, the keys in my pocket and the laces in double-knots so I wouldn't have to re-tie mid-run.

And then my ass felt like it was going to 'splode.

Plus, I was really super-tired as I sat through the entire Children of the Corn movie - which is NOT as good as I remember as a child - so I proceeded to put everything away and go to bed early. You'd think my simply drinking one of those smoothie things in the vegetable aisle of the supermarket wouldn't have such a negative effect on my person. Those things are Diarrhea Bombs waiting to happen!

So, I hate my job. Three weeks of this crap is going to bring me to self-mutilation. First of all, my boss is a COMPLETE disaster. He's got this kind of haircut that looks like a comb-over ... except he's not bald. He just decided to go to the barber and ask for the comb-over look. And he's got this moustache that's just ... remember Chandler's moustache in that one episode of Friends? Multiply the heinousness of that 'stache by a million. Also, I swear to God this guy is part vampire. The way he sneaks up on me while I'm trying to play computer solitare ... it's uncanny! As it is, he's got a clear view into my cubicle - which means I've got a clear view into his - from across the office. So, I'm sitting there turning my head his direction every three seconds whenever I'm goofing off as it is, and he STILL manages to get the drop on me!

Oh, and this is one of those offices where Gmail is banned. I fucking hate that; there's absolutely no point! What, is having G-chat on in the background going to take away from everyone's productivity? Any conversation I've ever had probably distracts me for 10 seconds out of every minute. Sue me. It's not like this work is so majorly important that every minute of every day has to be devoted to furniture rental, Satan H. Christ!

Anyway, even if certain websites weren't banned, it's not like I could ever enjoy myself when I'm constantly looking over my shoulder for Count Heinoustache who's surely lurking about. And the way he explains how he wants me to do things? I mean, okay, it's not like I'm rooting around in someone's temporal lobe or anything. I'm moving files from big boxes into little boxes. Anyway, as he's instructing me on how to do things, he's looking at me like I'm a retarded fucking monkeyboy, and THEN he comes back not thirty seconds later to re-clarify some pertinent point he just made. "Now, when I said I want you to take these files and put them in these boxes, I didn't mean to throw them in there willy-nilly. They've got to go in order; see these tabs? Those are numbers on those tabs, you've got to make sure the files go in numerical order by the numbers on the TABS."

Oh, the TABS! I get it now! Man, I WAS just gonna wipe my feces all over the walls and play with my wiener; it's a good thing you came back in here and showed me right from wrong.

Is it a bad sign that more than one person, every day for the last three days, has come up to me and asked me, "Are you going insane yet?" I'm not even shitting you, I've gotten that exact question all week. You know? I think I am. I had no idea today was even Wednesday, it felt more like Cockbag Antifreeze than Wednesday. Hmm.
  • Current Music
    That Buffalo Tom song from My So-Called Life that I can't find anywhere