October 10th, 2007

Don't Hassle the Hoff

35 years old, thrice divorced, and living in a VAN down by the RIVER!

Sweet God Mother Fucker.

I got to around minute 30 of my usual 40 minute run feeling pretty damn good. Then, all of a sudden, my legs totally tightened up, mostly all up and down the backs. I was practically running like a mummy for the final ten minutes; and don't even get me STARTED on the walk home. What could've possibly brought this on that's never happened before? Dehydration? Lack of stretching? Osteoporosis? It might be a tumor.

It's naughta too-mah!

By the way, how come they've never made a classic horror movie featuring the mummy? And don't think about mentioning that Brendan Fraser abomination; that's an action flick in the vein of Indiana Jones, it's NOT a scary movie! I need to date a movie geek who'd know what classic mummy movie is worth watching, only to dump her when she starts making me watch films that are too obscure for words.

Have you ever let rip a really nasty fart while on the treadmill only to look around frantically, hoping nobody's around to walk through that Agent Orange eminating from my ass?

So, there's a little known fact about weight loss I think's relevant in my case (man, I'm sounding more and more like Cliff Clavin every day). Fat people will lose more weight faster the more they weigh originally. I don't know the physiological reason for this, probably because to get to be super huge, you've gotta do a whole heckuva lot of overeating and a whole mess of sittin' around. Ergo, if you simply cut your intake of food down to a normal person's portion and get off your fat ass every once in a while, you're bound to drop pounds without really even trying.

Here's what I've noticed, in my own humble experience. Any weight greater than 230 pounds American will be exceedingly easy to lose as long as you cut back to two meals a day, don't snack, don't eat at least four hours before you go to bed, do a modest amount of daily crunches (start out with something easy, two to four sets of 25 if you can bear it), and try to knock out some cardio a half hour, 3-4 days a week. The more exercise you do and the less food you eat, the quicker the weight will go.

Then, from 230 pounds down to 200 pounds American, you've got a slower, more arduous journey. By this point, you've lost a lot of fat but you've also lost a lot of muscle. Also by this point, you should be able to increase the number of crunches you do on a daily basis (one of the most important things to do to get rid of the deer gut; you might never get a 6-pack, but you'll cease to look like Schwarzenegger in the movie 'Junior' at 8 and a half months), and hopefully you've slid into a routine where you can run everyday, or at least every weekday. So, from 230-200, if the last two statements I say are true, then your body will be in the process of re-shaping itself. You should be regaining a modest amount of muscle in your legs and abdominals, and as muscle weighs more than fat, you'll find your overall weight-loss slows down in the process.

The biggest trick is to not get discouraged and to NOT slip back into old habits. Everything else in your life must make room for the routine (unless, obviously, something life-shattering happens; but you can't skip your run because new episodes of 24 are airing). You have to keep your dedication at its peak. You can't "reward" yourself with days off or cheesecake because you ran extra hard or did an extra set of crunches. Run extra hard, do extra crunches, and accept that once you finally reach your goal, THAT will be your reward.

God, I can't believe I just wrote that last sentence. Who am I, Richard Simmons?

It's not like I'm Mr. Universe by any stretch. Nor am I really following my own rules to the letter. I drink beer every Sunday afternoon, and I eat crappy food at least once if not twice on the weekends. Sure, I've run every day since I started this thing, but I'm not perfect. Because there's always that clause you have to remember: you can't banish all the food and drink you covet from your life forever, otherwise you'll either Go Crazy (don't mind if I do!) or you'll finally snap, go overboard in eating and drinking that which you've denied yourself, and completely ruin all the work you've put into yourself.

Going on a Weight Loss Quest is very much a life-altering event. You have to schedule your daily routine, saving time each and every day for doing healthy things; you have to greatly alter your eating at LEAST five days, if not six days a week (which means no soda, no junk food, and lo-calorie meals while not forgetting to at least eat a little something in the mornings to get your metabolism moving); and when you're treating yourself on that sixth and/or seventh day, try not to go overboard with the gluttonous tendencies you've proven you're quite skilled with over the years.

Anyway, don't ask me about getting below 200 pounds. I'm pretty sure to do that - at least for me - it's gotta be a lifetime Weight Loss Quest, and I've simply never had the patience to withstand my desire for White Castle/Taco Del Mar.
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