October 8th, 2007


Do I Look Like Quentin Tarantino?

Only with lighter, slightly redder, slightly balder hair?

Yesterday ... I'm not gonna lie to you, she got away from me there at the end. I remember waking up at 7am even though I meant to wake up at 9. I remember slogging through a half-assed workout and getting to Manhattan at a quarter to noon. I remember drinking a smoothie and that being the only food I had yesterday. And, I remember 40-something dollars in beer I chowed down at The Black Sheep, starting an hour before kickoff and not ending until at least an hour or more after double-zeroes.

I remember sitting front-row center at the bar, with the Seahawks game right in front of me. I remember being moved to the end of the bar just before halftime because they wanted to put the Jets/Giants game on the middle TV. I remember thinking THAT'S probably going to cause the Seahawks to lose, my switching TVs.

I remember the beer flowing like wine. And then I remember the man from Ireland, by the name of Glen. He was at the bar before I got there (which means he was probably the first person drinking) and he never moved from his spot at the end of the bar. Anyway, we got to chatting - because the Seahawks were sucking my will to live - and he pointed out to My Favorite Bartender that I look like Quentin Tarantino (which is funny because I'd just the day before watched Pulp Fiction and saw little-to-no resemblance). Apparently, I bear an uncanny resemblance to the famed writer/director/actor, and this point was made throughout the second half of the game and on into the afternoon games.

Has this comparison been made before and I just don't remember? I know people said I kinda WRITE like Quentin Tarantino, but apparently I could also win third place in a Look-A-Like Contest as well.

I asked the Asian Pittsburgh Steelers fans next to me if I looked like him and one said I did a little bit. Well, this confirmed it. Three people in a bar = 100% Fact. And by the way, the two Asian guys and one hot white female who were rooting for Pittsburgh next to me: couldn't have been nicer. Apparently, the other Asian guy and the white woman were from Ohio and thinking about moving to New York, so they picked my brain a little bit since, you know, I moved to New York last year. I asked them if they were Ohio State fans and they said, "Hell no." They were ... stifle giggle ... Miami of Ohio alumni. I shit you not. That's why they like the Steelers, because of Roethlisberger. I asked 'em if they were Wally Szczerbiak fans and the dude asked me if he was still in the league. Yes, yes he is, and he's playing for the Sonics.

Anyway, long story short, the Seahawks got trounced, I drank a shitload of beer, I stuck around an extra hour shooting the shit with the Irishman after the Asian dudes left with their lady friend, and I barely made it out of there alive. Don't try to drink beer for beer with a dude from Europe, man. It'll give you a complex. I reached the point where I was either gonna pass out at the bar or start ordering shots of whiskey, so I opted to get the fuck out of there.

I have NO idea how I got home; I remember waking up at 11pm, going to the bathroom, and sleeping again until 7am this morning. However, I'll give myself this: my phone was plugged into its charger, my shoes and socks were off, AND my alarm clock was set appropriately for the A.M. Now THAT'S drunken coordination.

Why Am I Working On Columbus Day Parade?

Actually, why IS there a Columbus Day parade? Why Columbus Day? Why?

New York has Italians, and in a city where every possible nationality must be celebrated with a parade, Columbus Day is given more credit than it should.

It's one of the few national holidays that most everyone knows about, many even knowing which day or month it lands on, and yet it has no effect on our lives except I guess the banks close. And I'm not even sure the banks close everywhere, it might just be here.

At least Groundhog Day is mildly entertaining and has a funny Bill Murray movie. And Veterans Day has a positive message about remembering our veterans. And we get that Monday off for MLK Day.

I guess what I'm saying is that I hate these jingoistic national holidays where instead of celebrating something worthy, we just sit on our fat asses - as a nation - and celebrate ourselves. Columbus Day isn't about honoring a man who landed in the Bahamas in the late 15th Century, it's about Italian Pride, Killing Indians, and forming what is today the United States of America. And in honor of that, we throw a fucking parade, leave more clutter on the city streets than usual, and our bankers take the day off.

It's these dumb holidays: Flag Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day, President's Day. They weren't founded by Hallmark and Hershey's - holidays whose place in my heart will always be filled with bile - but they are essentially useless and mildly offensive.

In my opinion, you really only need four holidays. One for presents, one for binge eating, one for drinking alcohol and pyrotechnics, and one for candy. Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years and Halloween. After that, take all yer holiday cheer and remembrances and shove 'em up yer ass!

Actually, come to think of it, separate alcohol and pyrotechnics holidays couldn't hurt, could they? Go ahead and tack back on Independence Day and St. Patrick's Day. I couldn't go without my green beer.