September 8th, 2007


"A Black Female Of Ample Bulk"

Should I be worried about the true power of Oprah Winfrey if she manages to get Barack Obama elected?

It's just really hard for me to grasp: the sheer popularity she's achieved over the years, when really she started out as a high-class Maury Povich (which, at the time was in the vein of a Phil Donahue). Like Tyra and Ricki and the rest, Oprah had real people on her show to talk about their real problems in hopes that they could reach real solutions. Really. And then somewhere in there between the mid-80s and today, Oprah's turned into this unstoppable phenomenon who's getting housewives to read books, who's running her own magazine, who's inviting the hottest celebrities on her show to talk about the hottest celebrity news of the day, and who's seemingly got our country in her vicegrip thanks to a devoted fanbase bordering on cult status.

Is it all because she gives her audience free crap a few times a year?

Well, free crap IS free crap, and as history will tell you - from our forefathers on down - Americans Love Free Crap.

So, now she likes Obama and she wants him to be president. I like Obama and want him to be president, but I'm not the second most powerful woman in the country. I don't have the number one daytime talk show in America and I'm not one of our country's most recognized personalities. This really is a test of her power, because if she can get Obama elected - when he's running a considerable second to Hillary Clinton, I don't care what the polls say - then who's to say she couldn't get just about anybody elected? Such as an African American woman from Chicago who just so happens to host a certain daytime talk show and run a certain production company that goes by the name of Harpo.

Is this 2008 election really just the precursor to Queen Oprah, unquestioned ruler of the free world?

I for one wouldn't put it past her, and seeing as this is simply an inevitability, I'd like to henceforth proclaim my undying allegiance to Queen Oprah, unquestioned ruler of the free world. I hereby bow to your almighty whims and hope that you take pity on all us sinners out there.

Also, if you could see fit to maybe slip a top-of-the-line laptop computer underneath my seat, and maybe the keys to a cherry-red Lamborghini, I'd be even more eternally grateful.
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