September 2nd, 2007

Don't Hassle the Hoff

Red Devil & Man Tits Galore

I worked on Friday; man what a traumatizing experience!

This company just moved into this building deep in the heart of the financial district in Downtown Manhattan, so they had a bunch of these bookcases on rollers full of all these books from their library. I swear, most books I've ever seen in one setting ever. Anyway, I had to help this nice young lady Ashley put away all these books on random shelving. So, that was me from 9am to noon. Then, I had to organize these other books in order of year of publication. That was me from noon to two (with a half hour in there for eating Peanut Butter and Jelly Bagel Sandwiches). At $15 an hour for four and a half hours ... carry the taxes ... I might've made a cool $50.

Here's what I don't understand: they knew I was gonna be humping my ass around the office, sweating and the like; why couldn't I have rolled in with some cutoff jean shorts and a skin-tight wife-beater? I mean, they're PAYING all that money, they might as well get a free show out of the deal. A free showing of my sexy sexy bod. Oh, I said Bod. That's sexy talk for my Man Tits.

By the way, you know when you're at one of those snarky celebrity gossip blogs and they have pictures of Paris Hilton's latest nipple slip - which is when the boob falls out of alignment to say "Hello" to the camera of the Paparazzi - and then you stare at it for an hour and a half while masturbating? Well, I was in the subway today and there was this really fat guy who may or may not have been mentally handicapped AND unsupervised, and he had a full-on C-cup man boob just sticking out of his tank top. Seriously, it looked like he was wearing one of those A.C. Slater wrestling tops ... only he was a really fat guy with just one boob hanging out. It was like that scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carell is speed dating and the woman's breast is right there. So, I followed him onto the train and just stared at it for the next half hour. Almost forgot which stop was mine.

I cleaned my room today. It was slob city in here since my return from Houston, but I finally managed to put away my clothes and sort of rearrange things for Josh's visit. I'm still trying to figure out how I want the room configured; it's gonna be a tight fucking squeeze with two beds in here. I already moved this little 4-tier bookshelf once since I got here and I broke it in the process; I'm afraid moving it again will forever leave me without a bookshelf.

Whoa, I coughed and almost pooed my pants at the same time. That could've been a disaster; I don't have any other fitted bedsheets.

Yeah, so this cough isn't going away. I'm semi-pissed about this. I tried cough drops, I tried three gallons of Sunny Delight, I tried lots of bedrest (which means I did what I'd normally do anyway), and this thing is pretty much unchanged since I left Houston.

Dude, Josh couldn't be coming here at a better time. The heat oppression of summer is finally over, but it's still warm enough to wear shorts all the time. This is nice because at night, it actually gets COOL out, so we won't be sweating balls 24/7. The only thing that's making me more excited than Josh's impending arrival is the Life Aquatic soundtrack that's entering my computer's bloodstream any hour now.

By the way, I'm halfway through The Larry Sanders Show Season 1; that Best-Of DVD set that I watched while hungover at Mark's in Seattle doesn't do the series any justice whatsoever! Just an awesome, awesome, hilarious show. I'm also in the process of getting Flight of the Conchords Season 1 because my friends all say it's the bee's knees when it comes to funny. Hey now.

Uhh, so I'm listening to Rodrigo y Gabriela right now - it's just one song, "Diablo Rojo" - and I've gotta say, I REALLY should've seen them at Lollapalooza. Damn.

Fantasy Football Draft is tomorrow a little after 5pm my time. Pressure's on.
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