May 7th, 2007


Richie Sexson Sucks: Balls, or, The Mariners Bring Da Sodo Mojo to Yankee Stadium

You Gotta Love These Guys!
Two Outs, So What!?
Refuse To Lose!!!

To set up the scene, it's the top of the sixth inning with two outs. We're down 2-0. The Mariners finally have something going after being shut down for most of the day. Runners on first and second base, the starter has been pulled in favor of someone by the name of Scott Proctor. I've been listening to a couple yahoos behind me saying how the hitter currently stepping up to the plate is garbage, the guy with the .154 batting average and the 4 homers who's making $15.5 million this season (THIS SEASON!). The table is set. A three-run home run gives us the lead, gets this game to a battle of the bullpens, and allows me to turn around and rub my shit in these two jackasses faces!

And then Richie Sexson hits a weak grounder to the short stop. Threat over, inning over, game over.

And I'd just like to go on record by saying that Scarlett Johansson screwed me again (and not in that kind of way I'd cut off my left arm to achieve). In the KJR AM Bigger Dance, I should be tied for 36th place (out of more than 25,000 participants) had I simply taken Elin Nordegren to do battle in the Final Four. It's down to the final two, I have both women going, but I have a feeling it's going to be a landslide Jessica Alba victory over Maria Sharapova.

Anyway, yes, I'm still bitter. I guess I shouldn't be. After all, what did I expect? Stiff competition from my baseball team? Har har, it is to laugh. I just hate those fucking Yankees SO MUCH! Whatever. We have to win today. I know that's asking a lot of Miguel Batista, but pulling a 2-2 out of our asses on this 4-game stand would be more than I ever could've hoped for.

And if Jeff Weaver starts one more fucking game where he gives up more runs than innings he pitches, I'm going to take a sledgehammer to Mike Hargrove's skull.

Richie Sexson Sucks: Cock, or, Getting Fit in Astoria

God, I'm spending money like a trust-fund socialite over here!

You know, you think you could go through a move and have it be cheap and easy, but you always end up spending money getting started. Right now, I think I'm all set. I can finally settle into my routine of eating cheaply, not going out so much, saving money, all the rest.

There's a neighborhood bar right around the corner from my place. It's supposedly an Irish bar, but it has Polish owners (and one Polish super-hot, leggy, long-haired blonde bartender who makes goo-goo eyes at all the pathetic older men who sit at the bar for hours on end simply to stare at her rear end, among other aesthetically pleasing physical attributes). I went there on Friday because I had a chance to see the Mariners win a game on TV. Only dropped money for two beers on this occasion.

Saturday, I joined a gym. Evolution Fitness Center or something. 12-month plan, $54 per month. They just opened 2 weeks ago, so all the equipment is new and there aren't that many members yet. Decent free weight section; the cardio section looks like it'll be difficult to get into once this place catches on with more people. It's open 24 hours during the week, closes at 10pm on weekends. I almost can't wait to get canned from my job so I can go to the gym at 2am on a Wednesday morning.

Body was a little sore going into Sunday, but nothing I can't handle. I need to get these muscles into ass-kicking shape, because they have a punching bag there and me and it are gonna go a few rounds over the coming weeks. You're looking at the next Buster Douglas my friends.

The way I see it, I've gotta get 10 solid workouts per month to make this thing worth my while. Got a good one in on Saturday; planning another one tonight after work.

Richie Sexson Sucks: Dick, or, Men Aren't Fat, Only Fat Women Are Fat

0 for 4 tonight, batting a robust .147. I have a feeling this title is gonna stick for a while.

I don't want to make this a Steve's Fitness Journal kinda thing, because I have an idea that only two or three people would find it even remotely interesting - Pete and Kon specifically, to see how far I've regressed from my college weightlifting glory days (if you can really call what I was pushing "Glory Days").

First, let me just say that I'm packing on quite the load nowadays (exactly how many cameras are ON you?), just a smidge under 240 LB's. And let me go ahead and leapfrog that by saying that this is NOT a case of muscle weighing more than fat. My tits are jiggling from here to Timbuktu when I brush my teeth in the mornings.

There are a couple things of note here, though. Even with the excess poundage and even with the monthlong layoff from running and even WITH the month of smoking and drinking and stressing, my cardiovascular ability isn't hurting too bad. The other thing is, even though these are the first sets of bench press I've done in a couple years or more, I did three sets on Saturday and I did three more sets tonight and I'm not all that sore. Now, I don't want to blame it ALL on 9-11, but I think some of my quick recovery just might have something to do with the push-up regimen I was on before Christmas. Just a LITTLE maybe. I dunno.

Here's the workout in all it's infantile glory:

30 minutes on the stationary bike
3 sets of Bench Press (35 pound plates so far, but figure that to increase very soon, just taking it slowly to start)
3 sets of Bicep Curls (25 pound dumbells, I am that weak)
3 sets of Tricep ... uhh, Extension ... I forget (30 pounds, the pulldown kind with the rectangle plates and the rope dealie)
3 sets of Leg Press (4 45 pound plates, 2 on each side; got a little dizzy on that one today, hopefully that won't happen again)
3 sets of crunches (on the decline bench, 20 each so far ... I'm packin' much blubber on the ol' torso area, what do you expect?)
25 minutes on the treadmill (Only finished 2 miles on this one, I'm not very comfortable on the treadmill yet; I totally almost biffed it and fell off when I was looking down at the clock on my phone, but I recovered without embarassing myself TOO much)

I didn't get my schvitz in because I forgot to ask for a big-boy towel. Plus, there were a couple of naked Polocks in there and I didn't feel like making it a bad Three's Company episode. But, normally that's how I'm gonna end my workout - in the sauna, followed by a naked towel-snapping shower with the fellas. Lord help us. Also, I'm gonna mix in Lat Pulldowns, Shoulder Press, those leaning forward dumbell pull-up thingies that work your back. There was some chick on the punching bag today working with a personal trainer, so I couldn't get any punching in.

I'm gonna try to get a heavy workout going Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Maybe Saturday instead of that Friday. The other two days I just wanna go over there and run or ride the bike or something. A.B.S. Always Be Sweating. Third place is you're fired.
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