May 1st, 2007


What's Been Keeping Me Up At Night

Baaaah! I can't fuckin' sleep. And you wanna know why? It sure as shit ain't the fuckin' move, that's for damn sure. Oh, that's what I always tell everybody, but that's because I'm incapable of talking about my feelings, of orally expressing what's going on in my mind.

I get attached to certain things, certain people, certain living situations. It's a similar reaction I have to people who tell me they're planning on moving away. It's separation anxiety. Regardless of how far away, it don't rightly matter. I suffer from this reckless panic that throbs throughout my body, forcing my heartrate up and keeping me awake until 1 in the morning the night after I got a measly 2 hours of sleep. I'm moving, people are moving away that I've lived with for however many months, people have already moved, and for whatever reason I've got this intense dread that I'm not going to see these people again.

Of course, I know this is bullshit. I know I WILL see these people again. I'm smart! Not dumb, like everybody says! But, it's not the saaaaame, you know?

You grow accustomed to seeing the same people everyday. You associate certain things in your daily routine with certain people and it's only natural that you're gonna go and miss that when it's gone. It's not the move, I could give a fuck about the move! I'm a Grade A problem solver, I know how to pack my shit together and get it from A to B. I'm not worried about the money, I wasn't worried about finding a new place. All of that settles itself in time. It's the people, it's the lifestyle.

I'm not an idiot, I know things don't stay the same forever. But, that doesn't mean you can't feel bad when things end. I try not to dwell on the past too much, it gives me a tummy ache. But, I've never been one to go shooting my wad on planning things out in the future. I'm the consummate Live For The Now kinda guy. I stop and smell the fuckin' roses, God damn it! I appreciate the little things! Because, it's always those little things you miss, even if you don't realize it right away.

There have been some great times at this old apartment. Most of them were events: holidays, people visiting, parties, whathaveyou. As far as those little things go, those are the moments you don't want to forget. Creeping through Jenny's room after she'd gone to bed every half hour because my bladder would betray me while I was up until all hours writing my novels. Receiving heaping amounts of praise for a meal I'd prepared at a point where I was entirely unsure of my culinary abilities. Sitting around the kitchen table refilling my glass of wine on a Friday night as everyone eventually congregated for conversation. Being slowly, soothingly pulled up from the undertow of sleep on a weekend morning by the sound of Liz in her bedroom with her door closed singing and playing guitar.

I'm gonna miss this place, but that's what I said about the last place and the place before that and the place before that. I've been saying that since college, and there's only been one constant since college: change. People have come and gone, cities have come and gone, but it gets better. There's always something else out there to raise spirits. Except in these times of transition where I'm looking around at my bare walls and my empty shelves and my final minutes ticking away on this place. In these times, there's only looking back. Until I get settled anew and it's time to start thinking in the present again.

Too Tired To Title

I've gotten a combined 6 hours of sleep the last two nights. I feel like walking around stiff-legged, arms splayed out before me, bashing peoples' skulls against the sidewalk to get to their sweet, tasty brains within.

Do you know what it's like to go two days and only get six hours of sleep? It's not QUITE being tortured for two years by the Chinese government, but it's close. It's damned close.

I think I somehow figured out how to fall asleep a little after 1am and I had my alarm clock set for 5am. This was all by design. Somehow, I managed to get my ass out of bed after a half hour of listening to some guy on the sports radio station out here. That's when I got down to business.

First, I had to single-handedly throw my futon away. Getting the matress downstairs to the curb was no problem; but carrying that frame down the stairs caused quite the ruckus. I'm surprised I didn't wake up the whole damned building. Then, I had to pack my cart and strap everything down with Bungee Cords. So, now I've got the giant cart of death, two black garbage bags full of crap, the dolphin shelf, and another shopping bag full of whatever couldn't fit in the other two bags or the giant cart of death. By the time all of this was done, it was like 6:30. So, I left everything in the middle of my room, got dressed for work, put on my back pack, wrapped my duffle bag around one shoulder and wrapped my laptop bag around my other shoulder and headed off to work. I took these with me today to make the move tonight easier, as these are things I can live without for a night (except he laptop bag, which is never leaving my side).

I don't know if I got into this, but apparently we have to be all-the-way moved out of the apartment by 5pm today. In order for Emily and Jenny to get their deposit back, they had to clean the apartment and make sure that Liz and I are outta there. So, that's another reason why I wanted to make the move easier; because now I have to do it all in one trip which means I'll have to order a taxi.

Since I got to work so early today (to beat the rush on the subway and give myself enough room to stand there with a ton of shit), I was able to watch last night's episode of 24 (I started downloading it a little after midnight and it was finished by the time I woke up at 5am). I'm withholding my opinion until I see the rest of the season; there's news on the horizon that ... nevermind, I wouldn't want to risk giving anything away.

My boss here said it's OK for me to leave at 4pm, which means I should be home by 4:45 at the latest. So, I'm gonna work through lunch (I bought six sausage biscuits and two hash browns from McDonalds today to tide me through the day). Two cups of coffee and two Diet Cokes in already. More to come.