What's Been Keeping Me Up At Night
Baaaah! I can't fuckin' sleep. And you wanna know why? It sure as shit ain't the fuckin' move, that's for damn sure. Oh, that's what I always tell everybody, but that's because I'm incapable of talking about my feelings, of orally expressing what's going on in my mind.
I get attached to certain things, certain people, certain living situations. It's a similar reaction I have to people who tell me they're planning on moving away. It's separation anxiety. Regardless of how far away, it don't rightly matter. I suffer from this reckless panic that throbs throughout my body, forcing my heartrate up and keeping me awake until 1 in the morning the night after I got a measly 2 hours of sleep. I'm moving, people are moving away that I've lived with for however many months, people have already moved, and for whatever reason I've got this intense dread that I'm not going to see these people again.
Of course, I know this is bullshit. I know I WILL see these people again. I'm smart! Not dumb, like everybody says! But, it's not the saaaaame, you know?
You grow accustomed to seeing the same people everyday. You associate certain things in your daily routine with certain people and it's only natural that you're gonna go and miss that when it's gone. It's not the move, I could give a fuck about the move! I'm a Grade A problem solver, I know how to pack my shit together and get it from A to B. I'm not worried about the money, I wasn't worried about finding a new place. All of that settles itself in time. It's the people, it's the lifestyle.
I'm not an idiot, I know things don't stay the same forever. But, that doesn't mean you can't feel bad when things end. I try not to dwell on the past too much, it gives me a tummy ache. But, I've never been one to go shooting my wad on planning things out in the future. I'm the consummate Live For The Now kinda guy. I stop and smell the fuckin' roses, God damn it! I appreciate the little things! Because, it's always those little things you miss, even if you don't realize it right away.
There have been some great times at this old apartment. Most of them were events: holidays, people visiting, parties, whathaveyou. As far as those little things go, those are the moments you don't want to forget. Creeping through Jenny's room after she'd gone to bed every half hour because my bladder would betray me while I was up until all hours writing my novels. Receiving heaping amounts of praise for a meal I'd prepared at a point where I was entirely unsure of my culinary abilities. Sitting around the kitchen table refilling my glass of wine on a Friday night as everyone eventually congregated for conversation. Being slowly, soothingly pulled up from the undertow of sleep on a weekend morning by the sound of Liz in her bedroom with her door closed singing and playing guitar.
I'm gonna miss this place, but that's what I said about the last place and the place before that and the place before that. I've been saying that since college, and there's only been one constant since college: change. People have come and gone, cities have come and gone, but it gets better. There's always something else out there to raise spirits. Except in these times of transition where I'm looking around at my bare walls and my empty shelves and my final minutes ticking away on this place. In these times, there's only looking back. Until I get settled anew and it's time to start thinking in the present again.
I get attached to certain things, certain people, certain living situations. It's a similar reaction I have to people who tell me they're planning on moving away. It's separation anxiety. Regardless of how far away, it don't rightly matter. I suffer from this reckless panic that throbs throughout my body, forcing my heartrate up and keeping me awake until 1 in the morning the night after I got a measly 2 hours of sleep. I'm moving, people are moving away that I've lived with for however many months, people have already moved, and for whatever reason I've got this intense dread that I'm not going to see these people again.
Of course, I know this is bullshit. I know I WILL see these people again. I'm smart! Not dumb, like everybody says! But, it's not the saaaaame, you know?
You grow accustomed to seeing the same people everyday. You associate certain things in your daily routine with certain people and it's only natural that you're gonna go and miss that when it's gone. It's not the move, I could give a fuck about the move! I'm a Grade A problem solver, I know how to pack my shit together and get it from A to B. I'm not worried about the money, I wasn't worried about finding a new place. All of that settles itself in time. It's the people, it's the lifestyle.
I'm not an idiot, I know things don't stay the same forever. But, that doesn't mean you can't feel bad when things end. I try not to dwell on the past too much, it gives me a tummy ache. But, I've never been one to go shooting my wad on planning things out in the future. I'm the consummate Live For The Now kinda guy. I stop and smell the fuckin' roses, God damn it! I appreciate the little things! Because, it's always those little things you miss, even if you don't realize it right away.
There have been some great times at this old apartment. Most of them were events: holidays, people visiting, parties, whathaveyou. As far as those little things go, those are the moments you don't want to forget. Creeping through Jenny's room after she'd gone to bed every half hour because my bladder would betray me while I was up until all hours writing my novels. Receiving heaping amounts of praise for a meal I'd prepared at a point where I was entirely unsure of my culinary abilities. Sitting around the kitchen table refilling my glass of wine on a Friday night as everyone eventually congregated for conversation. Being slowly, soothingly pulled up from the undertow of sleep on a weekend morning by the sound of Liz in her bedroom with her door closed singing and playing guitar.
I'm gonna miss this place, but that's what I said about the last place and the place before that and the place before that. I've been saying that since college, and there's only been one constant since college: change. People have come and gone, cities have come and gone, but it gets better. There's always something else out there to raise spirits. Except in these times of transition where I'm looking around at my bare walls and my empty shelves and my final minutes ticking away on this place. In these times, there's only looking back. Until I get settled anew and it's time to start thinking in the present again.