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27 April 2007 @ 08:41 am
Movie Lovin', had me a blast
Movie Lovin', happened so fast

Tell me more, tell me more,

That's enough. So, I pick up my free newspaper this morning and they have this whole huge section about the new movies that are coming out this summer. Let's go.

Spider Man 3 - didn't see Spider Man 2; SAW Spider Man 1 ... HATED IT!

Lucky You - movie about the World Series of Poker, you've got me interested. Chick flick starring Eric Bana and Drew Barrymore centered around the World Series of Poker, you've got me fleeing in terror.

28 Weeks Later - Boy was THIS unnecessary. It's looking like they've taken a perfectly fine movie that told the same old Zombie Story in a fresh way and turned it into the same old Zombie Story told the same old way.

The Ex - Garden State 2? We'll see. Actually, I won't see, but you can see and tell me.

Shrek the Third - Never saw Shrek part Deux, but this one has Amy Sedaris as Cinderella, so that should be funny.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - Chinese Pirates? Man, I can't wait to blow out part 2 and 3 back to back when this one hits video stores.

Ocean's Thirteen - Look, it's a dumb franchise, but the actors are cool, Steven Soderburg is cool, and God Damn It just get over yourself, you KNOW you think these movies are entertaining too!

Surf's Up - Yeah, maybe I'll see this if I meet a chick who's into cartoons and who won't send me to prison for wanting to fondle her goodies.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - I thought this was a character from the cartoon Doug. My bad. The first movie looked dumb ASS, but I can't help thinking the preview to this one is pretty fucking rawking.

Evan Almighty - Remember Bruce Almighty? Remember how much it sucked, but everyone forced themselves to laugh because we all expected Jim Carrey to return to his funny self after a five year sabbatical into the realm of cinematic dramas? Remember how disappointed you were that this wasn't the second coming of Dumb And Dumber? Yeah, well this one doesn't even have Jim Carrey, instead going with Steve Carell. Who the FUCK greenlighted this movie??? I could light my asshairs on fire and generate more laughs!

Live Free or Die Hard - I want you all to stand up, leave your computer, go over to your calendar, flip it to the month of June, and for fuck's sake mark down the 27th!!! Because that's when this movie comes out; that's when Bruce Willis matters again; that's when Die Hard Part 4 comes out in theaters and you all BETTER fucking get READY to be KNOCKED on your ASSES!

Transformers - Ung, Uhhhhh, OHMYGODIJUSTCAME! July 4th. Live action Transformers movie. ohmygod.

Interview - Steve Buscemi is the star, it must be good. July 13th.

Hairspray - First it was a movie? And then it was a Broadway Musical? And now it's a Movie Musical? Starring John Travolta? Can't he at least TRY to do a movie that doesn't make him look gay like all the tabloids say? Christopher Walken?

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry - I haven't seen previews yet, but I'm sure this one will be hyped for the ages. It has Adam Sandler and Kevin James (the King of Queens guy) as straight firefighters who pretend to be gay for the benefits. You know, I kind of enjoy Adam Sandler and Kevin James, but that's not enough to get me to sit through 90 minutes of Gay Jokes, I'm sorry.

The Simpsons Movie - Even though I haven't watched a new episode in about four years, I think I'll still go see this movie. I have to pay homage to my childhood love for this show; it's given me so much over the years, the least I can do is shell out 11 bucks to see this movie - which doesn't look too bad going by the previews.

The Bourne Ultimatum - I THINK I saw the first movie in this series, but I was assuredly hammered at the time. Didn't see the second one. Therefore, I have no frame of reference here; I'm like a child who's wandered in ...

Rush Hour 3 - How come they waited 95 years between 2 and 3? Were they TRYING to kill all buzz and momentum generated by the rapid release of the first two? Don't they realize that audiences are fickle and forget very easily? That being said, I'm NOT looking forward to more Jackie Chan. Here's to hoping Smokey does some more Michael Jackson impersonations. Maybe just ... maybe just not latter day Michael. Let's keep it to the 80s Michael we all know and love.

The Comebacks - Should be funny. It's a takeoff of those inspirational Football Movies like Remember the Titans and We Are Marshall, starring David Koechner (he played the sportscaster in Anchorman)

The Hottest State - Ethan Hawke wrote this novel. Now he's directing this movie. Stay away. STAY AWAY! Don't Go Into The House!!!!!

And as a final note, returning to a point made previously: if there were ever two people who needed to die at the peak of their popularity rather than go on living as long as they have, it's Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. Of course, Denis Leary makes the Elvis point on his album "NO Cure For Cancer":

Elvis Presley should have been shot in the head back in 1957. Somebody should've walked up behind Elvis in '57 with a 44 magnum, put the barrel of the gun right up to his brain stem and just pulled the trigger, so you can remember Elvis in a nice way. Wouldn't it be nice to remember Elvis thin, with a big head of hair? Maybe that gold lame suit. Wouldn't that be nice? Because how do you remember Elvis? You know how you remember Elvis. He was found in the toilet with his pants around his ankles and his big fat hairy sweaty king of rock and roll ass exposed to the world and his final piece of kingly evidence floating in the toilet behind him! Creepy! One of his aids had to walk in and go, "Damn, Elvis is dead. I'd better flush the toilet. Oh man I should've saved that! I coulda made some money off of that! Damn man! A ding dang do!"

Well, I say that Michael Jackson should've been killed back in 1984. They should've shot him dead, they should've buried him in that red fucking jacket from the Thriller cover. Man, we would've mourned him longer than fucking Kennedy! It would continue to this day to be a National Day of Mourning! At the very least, it would've been nice to have him die in that Pepsi Commercial fire. Would've saved a lot of Michael Jackson fans a lot of sleepless nights.