April 10th, 2007


The Home Box Office

The Best 90 Minutes Of Television is back my friends; of course I'm talking about The Sopranos and Entourage. If you haven't seen the first episodes - aired this last Sunday - and you plan on doing so, then feel free to skip this entry.

And just like that, having not seen an episode of The Sopranos until Season 6, Episode 13, I've officially gotten Liz hooked. Now it's up to me and the powers that be with my laptop to come up with the first seasons and see if we can't get those buggers watched in a timely fashion. Getting them in by the end of the month will be an exercise in impossibility, but we might as well make a dent while we're still living together.

You know what I don't get? I was making my usual rounds yesterday, doing my best to not read anything about the episode, and I happened to catch a headline that said something to the effect of The Sopranos Starts Quietly. I don't think an episode could've started more intriguing. Bacala loses his GOD damn mind, attacking Tony, and kicking his ass to boot. If you think Tony's forgetting about that anytime soon, think again. Of course, this is the Sopranos, so storylines tend to end without a word as to why.

Meadow Soprano? She can whack me any day.

Edie Falco? Male or female, one of the best actors alive today. Just amazing to watch on screen.

There's four ways for this show to end: Tony dies, Tony gets arrested and rots in prison, Tony gets arrested and goes into the Witness Protection Program, Tony retires and leaves the family in Christopher's hands. Nearly everyone believes the chances of that last one being zero; and I don't think they'd pull a Goodfellas on us here. Pretty much, anything other than Tony dying at the end of the season wouldn't make much sense, because he's always been a tragic character, a flawed character, and one who seems destined to follow in his father's footsteps.

As for Entourage, well, what can I say that hasn't already been said? Jeremy Piven needs to be more famous than he is; Johnny Drama will always be hilarious; Carla Gugino has the greatest rack in all of Hollywood and SHE needs to be more famous than she is; the guy who plays Vince is probably the least talented leading man on television; gay jokes will always be funny as long as Lloyd is around; Asian jokes will always be funny as long as Lloyd is around; Gasian jokes will ALWAYS be funny as long as Lloyd is around!

But I'll leave you with this image today as I go about trying to stay awake since I was up until 1am watching all of these things last night: Me, arm-wrestling the air (and struggling mightily), as I watched Sylvester Stallone star in "Over The Top".

Have you ever Air-Arm-Wrestled? It's kinda like Air-Guitar only MORE retarded looking. But, this movie is so good, it gets me so pumped up, I had to arm wrestle something (and, I had to arm wrestle something I could actually defeat).

Now, I thought this was the movie where there were two guys arm wrestling and somebody's bone gets broken through the skin; but maybe I'm thinking of something else. Either that, or I downloaded some sick edited-for-television version of Over The Top. All I could think about in the final ten minutes of the movie was, "This ain't Rocky; if you don't win now, there won't be a fucking sequel." And to my knowledge, there hasn't been. Good thing too, because I couldn't take one more minute of that damned kid.

This is the thing about every action movie ever made: They're like porno for men ... only without the nudity ... sometimes ... I mean since porno already IS for men ...

Let me start again. Action movies are like the exact OPPOSITE of pornos (except when there's nudity). They're geared towards men, but they're geared towards their fantasies of masculinity as opposed to their fantasies of sexuality. When a guy watches Rambo, he wishes he WAS Rambo, with the greasy hair and the big biceps and the machine gun taking out the fucking terrorists. Guy watches Rocky, he thinks he can box; guy watches Over The Top, thinks he can arm wrestle everyone; guy watches Bloodsport, he's ready for his karate lessons. Since Action movies are geared specifically for men, that means there's only one thing men want to see when watching one: ACTION!

So, why does every Action movie ever made have the same non-essential elements: a family in trouble, a woman who doesn't understand why he has to go and fight, cheesy 80s music, a plot, characters, some cause to fight for, a moral or multiple morals or life lessons, a montage to speed things along, talking. Why do they have these things when we only want to see sweaty guys drinking motor oil and arm wrestling? Why does every Rocky movie have anything BUT boxing and training montages? Why would you ever go more than five minutes without The Terminator on camera? Why the hell does Jack Bauer even HAVE a daugher?

These are the questions somebody needs to answer someday. These are the questions people need to have on mind when they're making the next great Action movie. One of these days, I want to see nothing but pulse-pounding excitement from start to finish. No story, no morals, women only there for being naked and having sexual relations and asking ZERO questions, any and all children dying in a giant barn fire, everywhere you go guys are lifting weights and working out for their next mission, Kurt Russell and Bruce Willis having a staring contest to see who has the most intense eyes, Ray Jackson breaking bricks with his forehead while yelling, Jean Claude Van Damme doing the splits while connected to those ropes, every once in a while we see things through the Predator's eyes for no reason, the Jaws music comes on even though we're nowhere near water. Seriously, put me in charge of the perfect Action movie. It'll be 90 minutes of explosions, violence, hot sex, bad guys slapping women around and later getting their just desserts, maybe some catfights over the hero with hair pulling and titties jiggling, lots of cheesy 80s music montages of training and heroes coming together to fight the common enemy, and every other word out of somebody's mouth will be either "Shitbag" "Motherfucker" (only, like the Germans in Die Hard, so it'll sound like "muzzafuckah"), or "Asshole" (only, like Arnold in the Terminator movies, so it sounds like "ass whole", really Austrian like).