April 4th, 2007


I'm still not buying Tom Lennox

I'm hoping this will keep me alert this morning, since I spent most of the night having scary dreams about feeble presidents attacking the Middle East for no reasonable reason. An episode of 24 or Real Life, you say? Well, let's just say after last night's rant, I fucking BETTER be alert. I'm expecting the CIA to take up shop in the tower across the street with snipers and long distance hearing apparati. I'm sure as we speak there's a secret government profile about me with "COMMUNIST" in big red letters.

Speaking of Communist swine, I just can't contain myself this morning. Gredenko had them CUT off his ARM! Are. You. JOKING me!?! At what point does that EVER sound like a good idea, unless it means owning the Sexytime Rights to swimsuit model Tori Praver for as long as you both shall live. And, if you follow Gredenko's timeline between Arm-Off and Sandy-Death, that's like a solid 10-15 minutes of Tori Praver bootytime lovin'.

{{Now, I hate to get off on a tangent here, but I'm assuming most of you are engrossed in the Tori Praver photo gallery at this point, and the Post Must Go On. Can I just say how thrilled I am that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now on that tier in between Victoria's Secret Catalogue and Porn? I mean, I'm reading the damn thing, and I'm getting more nipple action than a breastfed infant. If I was 13 - today, right now - I wouldn't come out of my bedroom until 2015, and that's only because I'd be 21 and need to go out and stock up on beer before I got right back in there. Tori Praver, remember that name. Because five years from now, nobody else will. Nevertheless, I'd kill multiple nuns for a crack at her in the sack}}

Getting back, there have been grumblings out there that this is just a re-hashing of Season 2, what with the whole 25th Amendment thing and all that. And, I'll have to admit, they almost had me going there for a while. And then he bombed Arabistan (why is it we don't know what country they're attacking? Just veiled references to Iran or Lebanon or Syria or whatever).

Now, I'm not the kind of guy who watches a show with the sole purpose of trying to guess what's going to happen next so I can sound like hot shit to the people around me. In fact, I hate those people and I think they should die. Keep your damned opinions to yourself and let me enjoy the fucking show! That's part of the reason why I watch 24 in my bedroom, under the covers, with the lights off, and headphones on, at 4am on a Tuesday morning, with attack-dogs tethered to my bed at every corner to keep intruders at bay.

Because, when it comes to 24, you're either with us or you're against us. You either love the show and watch it every week and secretly know that Jack Bauer is real and he's out there protecting our country as we speak; or you don't watch the show because you're a fucking moron who has no sense of what's good for you. But, you just can't be a casual, fairweather 24 fan. You can't tune in one week and skip a couple and come back and think you know anything, because you don't.

Hence why I don't watch 24 with anyone unless they're avid viewers and they keep their commentary to themselves until commercials (but still have the common sense to hear the beeping clock and know to shut the fuck up). But, I'll admit, I do find myself with an opinion of what I think is going to happen. Generally I tend to be right, but I'm always on edge with nervousness regardless because I know there's ALWAYS a chance to be utterly, utterly shocked by the swift right-turn the writers take. When they injected Gredenko with the Stupidity Serum, followed by that Isotope Tracker (dude, those are isotopes), I thought, "Well, his only way out now is to cut his arm off," never actually believing he'd DO it. But, I'm seriously, when Wayne Palmer went and bombed Arabistan, I flipped my shit. Not since Borat wrestled Azamat have I been so jaw-droppingly surprised. Eight more hours to go.

Oh, and who else had a little minigasm when Jack Bauer said, "Show me your head" followed by hitting him square in the cranium with one shot? I still miss the toilet bowl from time to time.

Fast Times In Bushwick

I downloaded the new Kings of Leon album. Rolling Stone gave it four stars. Maybe I was more excited than I normally am for a new album from a beloved band, but "Because of the Times" sounds like the band's neutered with a Gredenko ax. More emphasis seems to be put on the kooky singing stylings rather than the blazing guitars and blustery pace of the music. Weak, but this is just an initial impression.

By the way, I downloaded exactly what you listed off for me, Michael. I thoroughly enjoyed the Adolescents album, loved Against Me, but for my money "Hellbound" is one of the better albums I've heard in a while. I'd say it's the best rock album someone has introduced to me since Jake turned me on to Deep Purple's "Machine Head". I only got halfway through The Living End's self-titled album before Kings of Leon swept me under, but I'll get right back to it directly.

One more before I move on to other things: Charlotte Gainsbourg. She's a French actress, but here she's singing on the album "5:55". I think the music behind her was produced by the group Air; this is an amazing piece of work. You know, for a mellow lot with a female singer. She's got quite the voice though.

Moving on. I'm still looking for a place to live. I went and checked out a loft last night, but spent most of the time chatting it up with another prospective tenant of the room that I want. $375, but it was just a space for a bed. Damn near literally. The "room" is this lofted cubbyhole located directly over the bathroom where there's just enough room for a bed and sitting upright (I think). You have to get up there by way of a wooden ladder. However, there's a giant walk-in closet down and across the hall. I don't need much space, so I was interested, but it's not really about what I want. See, there are three other people living there, so we're talking about me interviewing for a spot. The most important thing in this deal is that they get along with whoever moves in. I can get along with everyone (even murdering bastard KKK members), but there's nothing about me that really stands out. It's like in golf. You can lay up short of the green to avoid hitting into a sand trap (me), or you can take a chance, go for the hole, and maybe get lucky with an eagle or something (potentially anyone else).

I've been sending out e-mails, making phone calls, but it's tough, you know? Lots of people are looking for places to live. Starting in the next week or two, I'll have to broaden my search. Maybe take something I'd rather not take. I'd say my Worried Level right now is at a 3 on a scale of 10. It's enough to keep me up at night and keep me on Craig's List all day, but I'm not a chicken with his head Gredenko'd off just yet.

Oh, and as for that girl I was talking to at the open house last night? Yeah, she couldn't have wanted to get away from me more than she did. Even opted for the opposite exit upon leaving the loft. Well, I tried; her face kinda looked like it was hit by a cement truck anyway.

The Bigger Dance @ KJRam.com

This is the contest. THE contest. Instead of NCAA basketball teams, it's celebrity women. Let's go to the brackets.

Gold Medal Winner Region

Ivanka Trump over Sarah Silverman (not because of personal preference, solely based on the fact that Trump's daughter is visually more stimulating in a broad sense)

Gisele Bundchen over Natalie Gulbis

Former Miss USA over Former Miss Nevada

Eva Longoria over Adriana Lima (again, not who I'd prefer, but Longoria has the name factor)

Evangeline Lilly over Elisha Cuthbert (Kim Bauer may be annoying as fuck on 24, but she's hot as fuck everywhere else)

Angelina Jolie over Rachel McAdams (ditto, bigtime; I hate Angelina Jolie, I think she's an ugly hag)

Kelly Brook over Halle Berry (Halle Berry is highly overrated. She hasn't been hot since she fucked Billy Bob Thornon. The same could be said for a certain ugly hag)

Ali Larter over Kate Winslet (I don't even know what the hell Kate Winslet is doing here, but there are far more questionable additions to this contest coming later)

Good Call Region

Maria Sharapova over Jenny McCarthy (Jenny hasn't been hot since she posed nude for Playboy ... in the fucking early 90s)

Anna Kournikova over Penelope Cruz (Anna K hasn't been hot since she left tennis and got all fat in the face ... but she's hotter than Penelope Cruz)

Paris Hilton over Salma Hayek (This one could very well bite me in the ass, but I went Paris for two reasons - I think she has broader appeal for this type of contest and the other reason is, in spite of the 5200 diseases I'd surely catch ... OHHH what I wouldn't do to that bitch!)

Jessica Biel over Teri Hatcher (Personally, I think Biel has a John Elway horse face, but she's still a million times hotter than Teri Hatcher)

Charlize Theron over Lindsay Lohan (I'm hoping people are basing Lohan on how she looks NOW, not how she looked in Mean Girls, otherwise I'm fucked)

Stacy Kiebler over Jamie Pressly

Beyonce Knowles over Nikki Cox (I don't know WHY Nikki Cox is always in this contest - hooters - because she hasn't been relevant, like, ever - hooters - she's in these b-rated TV shows that showcase her - hooters - terrible acting ability, and for my money, people only pay attention to her because of her - hooters - hooters)

Marisa Miller over Sienna Miller

Great Taste Region

Kim Kardashian over Vanessa Minnillo

Jessica Alba over Britney Spears (this is like pitting the Dallas Mavericks against me and four dwarfs in the first round of a basketball game. If Spears gets more than 5 votes, I'll demand a recount)

Brooke Hogan over Antonella Barba (the hotter of the two reality princesses, plus if you married Brooke, you'd get free wrestling lessons from her dad ... awesome!)

Jennifer Love-Hewitt over Shakira (the other big matchup that could bite me in the balls. I don't know where JLH's hotness factor remains. I mean, she's got those fucking jugs, and she's just as pretty in the face as ever. But, Shakira's got that body and she's actually popular in the entertainment industry)

Jennifer Garner over Kate Hudson (personally, I'm in love with Kate Hudson, and I think Jennifer Garner needs to switch from doing movies to doing radio; that said, I think she's got more popularity right now)

Jessica Simpson over Nelly Furtado (Jessica Simpson is a HUGE player in this contest. She was two-time champion before losing in the final game to Jessica Alba last year. Don't fuck with this chick)

Carrie Underwood over Erin Andrews

Anne Hathaway over Maria Menounos (I made the mistake of taking Menounos last year and she bit me in the ass. Plus, I can still close my eyes and see Anne Hathaway's jugs from her nude scene in Brokeback Mountain)

Less Filling Region

Eva Mendes over Kate Beckinsale

Elin Nordegren over Mandy Moore (Elin's another huge player in this thing for some reason. I think Mandy Moore's a doll though)

Christina Aguilera over Rachel Bilson (not enough O.C. fans listen to KJRam, I'm sorry)

Bridget Moynahan over Jennifer Aniston (this isn't 1996, sorry Aniston)

Scarlett Johansson over Tricia Helfer (I picked Scarlett to go all the way last year. She fucked me in the second or third round. Game over)

Keira Knightley over Katherine Heigl (Heigl, what a stupid name)

Anna Nicole Smith over Helen Mirren (I hope the necrophelia crowd is in full force for this one. Old lady ... dead skank ... old lady ... dead skank. I mean, like you could choose! Dead lady ... old skank ... dead lady ... old skank ...)

Molly Sims over Reese Witherspoon (Reese is cute as a button and I'd make sweet romance explosion up, down, and sideways with her; but I know Molly Sims, I've masturbated to Molly Sims, Reese Witherspoon, you are no Molly Sims)


Round 2

Ivanka Trump over Gisele Bundchen

Eva Longoria over Former Miss USA

Angelina Jolie over Evangeline Lilly (burns my ass, but what can you do?)

Kelly Brook over Ali Larter


Maria Sharapova over Anna Kournikova

Jessica Biel over Paris Hilton (again, burns my ass, but Biel is hot in the sense that other people think she's really hot)

Stacy Keibler over Charlize Theron (not my choice, they're Keibler nuts over there)

Beyonce Knowles over Marisa Miller (did I mention how awesome the SI Swimsuit issue was?)


Jessica Alba over Kim Kardashian (Like shooting fish in a fucking Dixie Cup)

Brooke Hogan over Jennifer Love-Hewitt

Jessica Simpson over Jennifer Garner (What the hell is this? No repeat of the Alba/Simpson final???)

Carrie Underwood over Anne Hathaway (lots of rednecks out there)


Elin Nordegren over Eva Mendes

Bridget Moynahan over Christina Aguilara

Keira Knightley over Scarlett Johansson (not getting fucked twice in a row, Scarlett - even though you and I both know you're Top 4 Hot right now)

Molly Sims over Anna Nicole Smith (clock has struck midnight for this Cinderella ... back in the casket you go)


Sweet 16

Eva Longoria over Ivanka Trump

Angelina Jolie over Kelly Brook (seriously, who the fuck rigged this thing for nastyass?)


Maria Sharapova over Jessica Biel (Oh Sharapova, how I lovapova you; how I'd like to fuckapova you and bustapova all over your chest)

Stacy Keibler over Beyonce Knowles (the colored contestants only go so far in this thing before whitey starts kicking ass)


Jessica Alba over Brooke Hogan (possibly the most lopsided road to the final four right here)

Jessica Simpson over Carrie Underwood (the rematch goes down Elite 8 Style)


Elin Nordegren over Bridget Moynahan

Keira Knightley over Molly Sims


Elite Eight

Eva Longoria over Angelina Jolie (I couldn't take any fucking more)

Maria Sharapova over Stacy Keibler

Jessica Alba over Jessica Simpson

Elin Nordegren over Keira Knightley (one of my more politically correct final fours in recent memory ... we'll see how I do)


Final Four

Maria Sharapova over Eva Longoria

Jessica Alba over Elin Nordegren


Championship Game

Maria Sharapova over Jessica Alba (pulling the upset of all upsets, Down Goes Alba! Down Goes Alba!)

Contest starts April 13th, if you want to participate (winner wins an all-expenses paid trip to any sporting event anywhere in the world during the next calendar year) go to KJR AM and sign up for the site and fill out your bracket. You have until the 12th, I believe, but if you're doing it, do it now so you don't fucking forget. Oh, and it IS free to join and participate. Quit being a wanker.