March 8th, 2007


The Continuing Saga of the Halsey Street Stabber

Still not sick (nowhammynowhammynowhammy), still hanging in there (nowhammynowhammynowhammy), still on track to go to Boston tomorrow (nowhammynowhammynowhammy)

So caught up have I been in other affairs that I've failed to keep up on what's actually going on. In our lives. Here. At The Commons.

I told you that our super (ex-super) Shawn and his wife were getting divorced, right? Or something to that effect. Anyway, I don't know why, but he was at the apartment on Saturday night. I wasn't there, because I went to go see that Zodiac movie, and Emily was out, so that meant Liz was all alone and had to give the full report.

I guess maybe an hour, maybe less than an hour, before I got home from the movie, Super Shawn was arrested for stabbing someone in the building. According to Liz, she heard him yelling something to the effect of, "Get out! Get the fuck out of my house!" and then there was a scuffle and then he stabbed someone.

I'd like to point out here, for the sake of perspective, that I had a 40 minute telephone conversation with Konstantin Y. Zak in the subway entrance in Times Square directly after the movie ended, causing me to miss this entire troubling scene.

The cops were there, took him away, the paramedics were there, took the victim away, and all was quiet when I returned home to hear the tale.

Fast Forward to Wednesday, yesterday morning, when Liz then heard Shawn's wife hustling her kids through the apartment, presumably packing up their shit and getting the fuck outta there. As it turned out, this would be the day that Shawn got out of prison. Later, last night, our landlord Joey called us, on his cell phone, inside a building around the corner from us.

"Why don't you just come in and talk?"

Because he's threatened for his safety, because Shawn's inside the apartment building, and he's a fucking lunatic, AND LIZ IS OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW DOING HER LAUNDRY DOWN THE STREET!!!!!

Yes, this had the feel of some kind of Bad-Dream Horror-Flick. Will Liz be able to make it back inside the safe confines of her apartment before the knife-wielding maniac leaps from his apartment and butchers her to a bloody pulp? Mmm hmm, Jenny picked an exciting night to stop by and visit.

Anyway, on the phone, Joey told Emily that she should call the cops. Tell them that Shawn has been harassing her and, upon their arrival, they'll have to arrest him because he's not supposed to be there - as per the restraining order that had been writ against him. Of course, that sounds kind of sketchy, because what happens when the cops ask HOW he'd been harassing? To be fair, it's really quite simple though. I told her to just tell them that simply being afraid of him constitutes harassment, as you're fearing for your safety by his mere presence and the fact that he's crazy.

She called the cops, I think just telling them the truth that he stabbed someone on Saturday and she didn't think he was supposed to be here. They stopped by about 10 minutes later and buzzed our intercom. And so, both of us in our pajama bottoms, t-shirts, and nerdy glasses, with no shoes on, Emily and I (yours truly bravely leading the way) walked down the stairs to let the police in so they could deal with Shawn. A few minutes later, I saw Shawn walk out (watching through the peep hole). Then, the police walked out a couple minutes after that. So, he wasn't arrested. I dunno.

The point of the whole story is, once again, I had to step up and be the muscle for the group. Damn penis, giving me obligations left and right. To be the MAAAAAN. Whatever, it's cool. I actually got to play the part of Bodyguard when I escorted Liz to pick up her laundry. Of course, that required me to put on respectable pants as opposed to the General Potato Head pajamas. And, with ol' Stabby McStabberson out there, I concealed the only real weapon I have at my disposal: my scissors. Into the ol' coat pocket they went for the ride, and there I was, looking around every so often, checking our backs, speaking into my collar, touching my ear, saying things like, "The wombat is on the loose, I repeat, the wombat is on the loose."

I don't know why I don't own a bat. I mean, I don't play much ball anymore, but if I'm gonna be living in a thug's crowd, I imagine a good ol' Louisville Slugger might be in order. Or, better yet, a hollowed-out Louisville Slugger that, when opened up secretly, houses a sawed off shotgun ready to smoke fools.

I thought about it, though. If I was confronted by a psychotic with a knife and all I had was my trusty pair of scissors, I don't think I'd hesitate. What's more, I don't think I'd feel much remorse. I'm all for life and living and loving my fellow man; but attack me or my friend and see where that gets you.

The Definitive Bullshit

I was only gonna post one time today, but I'm a sucker for Best Of lists, especially when it comes to my second-favorite topic of all time (number one still being and always has been: titties). And so, I present to you, The Definitive 200: The New York Daily News List of the Top 200 Albums Of All Time.

You and I are going to read along together, I'll give you my reactions AS THEY HAPPEN!!!

(by the way, if you only have time to read one post today, read the one before this where I talk about my stab-happy ex-super downstairs)

Before looking, let me just think if I can cipher my way into what would be MY Number 1 Album of all time ... I'm guessing it would be Guns N' Roses - Use Your Illusion (I and II). If I was to guess what would be number one on the list, I'd have to say Pink Floyd - Dark Side Of The Moon.

Aaaaaaaand, it's the Beatles. Should've seen that coming. "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". OK, so I'm in the process of giving this album repeated listenings (it's on regular rotation, about once every three months or so), and therefore cannot give a proper response. My gut feeling is, "NO. Not the best."

The Floyd hit with Number 2 though, and Michael Jackson rounds it out with Thriller at number 3. I have no problem with that. Nor do I take umbrage with Led Zeppelin's "IV" coming in at number IV.

But, I'm fucking sorry, "The Joshua Tree" by U2 is NOT worthy of being in the Top 5! If we were making a list of the Top 200 Half-Albums of all time, I'd be right there with you. I might even make it Number 1, but the non-singles on that album are as forgettable as that time you drunkenly made out with that fat chick that one time. It's not even the best U2 album! It pales in comparison to "War" and "The Unforgettable Fire" and even "Achtung Baby"! Bollocks!

Rolling Stones (Exile on Main Street), Carole King (whatevs), Dylan (Highway 61 Revisited), Beach Boys (Pet Sounds), and Nirvana (Nevermind) round out the top ten. Hey, look at that, Pearl Jam there at number 11! Way to be daring there Daily News, I never woulda thunk Seattle got so much props.

Nothing really stands out until you get to 21, with Shania Twain's "Come On Over". Really? I listened to that album, it sucks. I mean, what is this, are you trying to be fair to all genres? So you go and pick this album? I would think there are quite a few Garth Brooks fans who'd like to share some words with you. And, if this is an equal-opportunity list, then where's "Kind of Blue" by Miles Davis? You do realize that for the first 50 years of the 20th century, jazz was pretty much where it's at. I know they weren't all album-makers, but still. Let's get on the ball here assclowns!

Holy shit! Numbers 26-33 are all contemporary artists! Starting with Alanis Morissette, then going to Norah Jones, Eminem, Outkast, Dr. Dre, Beastie Boys, G N' R, and the Dixie Chicks. ALL ranking above "Kind of Blue". I'm resentful. Now, they're convincing me that this list is weighting albums who've sold a ton, not necessarily what they meant to music. That's the only way those albums can be ahead of "The White Album", Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On", the first Jimi Hendrix appearance, AND Neil Young's first appearance.

OK, so any list of albums that has the following bands in the Top 100 can no longer be taken seriously (let alone ALL of the following bands, which this list has): 50 Cent (57), Jewel (64), Kid Rock (68), Linkin Park (84), Matchbox 20 (91), Nelly (94), Creed (95), Celine Dion (97), and the Dixie Chicks twice (33 and 100). So, you're telling me you've got Fiddy and Nelly and two Eminem albums in the top 100, but N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton" is 108, but Jay-Z doesn't appear until 128, but Public fucking Enemy doesn't show up until fucking 156, the Fugees at 163, and Nas at 185??? Where's Run DMC? Biggie Smalls doesn't get any love for "Ready to Die"? No Wu-Tang Clan?

Christ, I can't go on with this thing. It's driving me insane! It looks like they spent about an hour compiling this list, half of which was spent playing Madden 2007. If I was in charge of this list, I'd spend about a week's worth of 16 hour days agonizing over the 166th and the 167 pick. It looks like they did a top ten and started randomly shouting out album titles. You can tell, because there are some pretty landmark albums that appear in the low 100s, where it looks like, "Oh yeah, I forgot about Bob Marley! Elton John! Lynyrd Skynyrd!" and didn't bother to readjust the order.

Fuck you Daily News! Next time put some real fucking music fans in charge! You sure as shit won't see any fucking Creed in my fucking list!

P.S. - Mr. Irrelevant this time is, at number 200, Grand Funk Railroad "We're An American Band