January 24th, 2007


The State of the State of the Union

Boy, I bet you the LiveJournal - and the blogging community at large - is all aflutter from the events of yesterday. Of course, I'm talking about the news that Jennifer Aniston is going to make a guest appearance on Courtney Cox's FX drama "Dirt" and that the two will be sharing a lesbian encounter. Makes my balls ache with anticipation just thinking about it.

Nonsense! Strike that statement from the record!

Like anyone who's anyone, I too did not watch the State of the Union speech last night. I had the chance - Jenny knows a gal who knows a gal who killed some guy for his seats at this church that was showing it on a jumbo-like tron - but instead I stayed home, did laundry, created the largest, ugliest-looking Pea/Potato/Noodle soup man has ever known, and proceeded to drink an entire bottle of wine by myself in lieu of eating that monstrocity. Since last night, I have eaten exactly two pieces of buttered toast and a bagel this morning; which is why I'm so proud of myself for getting 5 hours of sleep and getting out there to run. More on that, never.

But, like anyone who's no one, I heard about the State of the Union speech last night, from Jenny and Emily. I was drunk, but I wasn't the one who was pleasantly surprised by what the president had to say. Pardon me if I'm 100% skeptical, but we hear the same bullshit year in and year out with this man! The State of the Union is Strong. We need to reach out to our brothers on the other side of the political spectrum to work together in resolving whatever needs resolving. Yes, Dick Cheney IS alive; no, Dick Cheney is NOT a cyborg.

We're talking here about a man who's a lame duck earlier than anyone's ever been a lame duck before since the days of Warren G. Harding. He's desperate. His approval rating is at a presidential all-time low, his landmark feat - the Iraq war - is in the fucking toilet, and he's just lost the unwavering support of his Congress due to American dissatisfaction and Democratic control. Of COURSE he's going to sound conciliatory; he can't afford to stand up there, puff out his chest, and snicker in that rat-like way anymore. He knows he's beaten. If presidential elections were held every two years, he would've been kicked out of the White House already. Now he says that Republicans and Democrats need to work together - as everyone always says in spite of the fact that no one believes or practices it - and now he means it; otherwise his legacy will be as One of the Greatest Bumblers of All Time.

Look, I'm gonna do you people a friggin' service here. I'm about to embark on a point-by-point analysis of the State of the Union address, as I'm here at work reading the transcript from CNN.com. If you don't want to read it, by all means, it's no sweat off my sack. If you do, I'm putting it behind the following link:

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The MAIN reason why I chose to not go to see the State of the Union, though, HAS to be all the standing and all the fucking clapping. Shit man, they need to bring some Academy Awards rules to this bitch. "No Applause Until The VERY End!"

Thank you, and God Bless.