December 11th, 2006


Tooooons. GAMES! A-geemail ...

Hey Pacific Northwest, thanks for being a bitch! I get shit sleep last night, get into work a little bit early, and the Morons In The Morning on CNN tell me you've got Hurricane-Style Winds today through Wednesday! Great, fantastic, that'll make for a jolly redirected flight into Mexico on Thursday morning. Thanks a buttfuck!

I've decided I'm going to be the Rachael Ray of music compilations for running. Volume 1 will be entitled "Getting Fit With System of a Down." Don't you love it when I throw in the obscure reference that only I could understand?

My crotch really stinks right now. Maybe I shouldn't go a month in between washing my work pants.

OK, so I've got a lot to get to and I'm wasting it all. Saturday Night's All Right For Hula-Hooping (all right all right all riiiight; wooo ooooo ooooo! Sattaday! Sattaday! Sattaday! Sattaday night's all right for ...)

Fresh from shaving another four minutes off of my Central Park Circumnavigational Time (apparently, a mind-whopping 6 miles around, meaning I'm almost back to my 10-minute mile; eat shit Rachael Ray, who spells Rachel like that anyway?), I rested my weary joints and musk-les for a few hours before it was time to hit the town. Jenny's got this friend Henry she used to work with at The Strand (bookstore here in NYC) who's in this sketch-comedy group called Murderfist (look for them on YouTube, but the video doesn't do them justice ... you really need to see them live to get the full effect of facial expression and all that). Murderfist performs the first Wednesday of every month with an hour's worth of new material. I missed last Wednesday's show, so I decided to catch them at this gig tonight, knowing full well they'd only be on stage for five minutes or so.

This is what they mean when they say Underground. Not literally, of course, but the venue had no sign. I ended up walking past it twice in the same evening, even though I knew where it was the second time! It was just this big blank room with a little wooden stage in the front. Apparently, it was some sort of Talent Show type thing, with various short acts, some great, some terrible.

Murderfist was a definite highlight. They did two sketches that had the place rolling. Well, not really, but they got laughs and that was looking fairly tough to do. If you've ever seen the show "The State" they're kinda like that. Goofy comedy, not topical, not political. Henry is definitely the star of the whole bunch. He's this short, fat guy with the COOLEST mutton chops I've ever seen in my life! If you want to compare him to anyone, he'd be part Chris Farley (as far as using his body in a comedic way) and part Will Ferrell. Top notch, I'm telling you, he's destined for greatness.

As far as the other acts ... hoo. The emcee was this fat annoying chick in a tight black frilly dress. She bombed hardcore. She let her friend perform, who was this skinny annoying chick whose talent was supposed to be Whistling Famous Rap Songs that were shouted out by the audience. First of all, she didn't know Gin & Juice. What the fuck?? And then, she hardly even whistled! She'd whistle a part, then half-ass rap something. It was awful.

You know who wasn't awful? The hula-hoop guy. He's just this tall, rail-thin, gangly sum-bitch, but he was all over the place with the hoop man. And then he came back and did a second set - in the dark - and his hula-hoops lit up. It would've been tré outstanding had I been stoned, but as it stood, I dug it. Then, this crazy old man got up there and just started rambling for 7 or 8 minutes about how Satan has a huge cock and that he fucked Jesus in the ass or something. No one knew what in the HELL he was talking about, but I thought he was great just because so many people found him annoying. There was a dude who got up there and recited a poem that sucked; but the cool part was that he was the spitting fucking image of the late John Belushi. If only he would've went up there and imitated Joe Cocker or did his impression of a popped zit ... I would've died right there. Then, there was this kick-ass two-piece band, with a guy and his guitar and a drummer who kept the beat by stomping on the wood stage. Fucking rad, like he totally sucked and couldn't play OR sing, but it was fucking awesome anyway.

The highlight, for me, was this really soft-spoken, normal/nerdy looking guy. First of all, the people running the show were imposed upon to put up a second mic. Then, he got up there, sat on a stool, went into his little pre-song spiel for a minute, and THEN had to sit off stage and tune his guitar. God, it was amazing. So, now we're five minutes into the thing already and he hasn't played a note. He starts off, and it's this really slow, strummy song. He's got a few friends in the audience who're rooting him on and clapping the beat, so I went ahead and clapped along too. This song was GOD-AWFUL. Everyone in the audience were having conversations, talking over him, not paying any attention whatsoever. So, Henry flagged me down about four minutes into this 8-minute opus of utter shit, and he asked me if I was actually enjoying it. I told him I was LOVING it, because it reminded me of my rendition of "The End" by The Doors at Karaoke Night at Tommy's. I cleared the fucking joint and they ended up turning off the monitor and kicking me off stage. Same thing happened here. This guy was the second to last performer, and everyone just SPLIT! Hilarity.

They were selling beer at this thing, but of course I didn't have any cash on me, so I had to bum some off of Emily until I could hit up an ATM - which I did at the intermission. $2 PBR and $3 Budweiser (later reduced to $2 because they had so many left and ran out of PBR). I got good and sauced, left with Jenny and Emily around 1 or so, and got sauced some more at home.

Then, I woke up yesterday and had my intestines ripped out of my body by the Seahawks laying a fucking dump all over my face. Had a chance to keep pace with the Saints, get a game up on Dallas, and clinch the division. Really, you're gonna be hard-pressed to find me more disgusted in this fucking team. Unless, of course, we bomb hardcore to the 49ers on Thursday.

Christmas Time Means Pre-sents ... For Me!

But to the Jewish community, it's one prolonged, dragged-out obscenity from October 21st through January 15th, with a brief reprise in the matress manufacturing business with Christmas In July sales. And every year, we seem to have the same argument:

Jewish people clamor for equal time like a politician running against Arnold Schwarzenegger; then Christmas celebrators (who aren't necessarily the best practicing Christians, if at all) get all defensive and feel that they're being belittled and singled out. God, I hate it when white people play the race card!!! OK, it's bullshit to go out there and proclaim that your holiday gets to have all the decorations showing in all the most public places just because it's the holiday best marketed!

I mean, honestly, how's the Jewish community supposed to feel when wherever they go, whatever channel they turn on the television, they're bombarded with a national holiday that they don't celebrate? All that's happening is that we're breeding resentment at a time of year when we should be celebrating the fact that we're still alive! And, of course, presents for me.

And here is where I descend upon the SeaTac International Airport; God, can't the Pacific Northwest stay out of the national news for one minute??? You're giving me a bad name out here!

My initial reaction is to sarcastically exclaim, "Oh no! Not the Christmas trees! Whatever shall we do? This most surely means our holiday is ruined and it's all the Jews' fault ... AGAIN! Why can't those people just keep to their caves and leave us human beings live in peace???" Because what are we talking about here? Twelve trees that adorn the outside of an airport? Big fucking deal. Walk three blocks, I'm sure you'll run into some spectacle of Christmas decorating overkill. Is your plane going to crash because you didn't look at a colorful tree before you took off? If you believe that, then I hope it does.

Some dumb bitch honestly said, "It makes me feel that Christmas isn't supposed to count." Fuck OFF! Go watch Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, it's on again for the five millionth time!

And, inevitably, the devil's advocate in this case will say, "But, why did he have to bring a lawsuit into this thing?" I'll tell you why, because people won't listen to you unless you bring legal action into the equation. It's the world we live in. What's he going to do, walk up to one of the inept counter people and ask to speak to the people in charge of the entire airport? Then, what, he's going to politely request a giant menorah for the airport to pay for? You think they're just going to go along with it?

Look at the reaction, and I'll tell you why they wouldn't. They're saying, in a nutshell, "If we've got to represent one religion, we've got to represent them all, and that's too big a pain in our asses, so fuck off, no one gets anything ... thanks to the Jews. Again." It's just a shame that someone who simply wants to be represented ends up being the bad guy in this whole thing because the airport overreacted. So, instead of just simply going with the menorah, they spent more time and money on taking the trees down, which causes a huge nationwide controversy (I'm sure Bill O'Nutsack Reilly is licking his snivelling chops), which will bring out protesters which will bring out MORE unwanted attention, which will result in the airport spending MORE money to put the trees BACK up, as well as the menorah, which is all they wanted in the first place. It's all so fucking rediculous I want to punch Jesus in the tits. If the airport people in charge are stupid enough to go through all this, they're stupid enough to shoot down a simple lawsuit-free request that could've prevented the whole thing.

God I hate the holidays. Except for the presents. God, I can't wait for my bounty.
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