December 2nd, 2006


History Is Just One Fuckin' Thing After Another

Where will YOU be when your bowels decide to attack you like a hurricane?

I always thought those commercials were horseshit. Like, oh come on now, that never happens when you go to the movies and you're in the middle of this really intense scene in "The History Boys" and all of a sudden you can't feel your legs and gas feels like it's going to explode out through your belly button and it's all you can do to hang in there for one more scene before you're forced to run on your heels, ass-cheeks clenched, looking like you've just been given the full cavity search - deep and hard - until you reach the theater bathroom, where you unbuckle and drop trow before you're even IN the stall, and machine gun out of your ass what later appears to be Excrement Pudding, missing five important minutes.

Emily and I wanted to see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D, but I guess they're not showing it in theaters anymore. Then, we had a trifling time choosing from the movies that ARE playing. I almost had her seeing Tenacious D, but it wasn't playing at the theater we wanted to go to. So, we saw The History Boys. Aside from my bowels playing the part of Rambo to the toilet bowl's Viet-Cong, I had a good ol' time. Then, we went to Trader Joe's and bought Advent Calendars among other necessary groceries.

They're making ANOTHER one of those movies where the white female teacher goes into the ghetto and turns around a bunch of kids in her classes so they go on to be scholars or some shit like that. This one stars Hillary "Barbaro" Swank and is being produced by MTV, so at least there'll be a quality, hip soundtrack involved. I was thinking about it, and while I guess it's nice to have movies based on GOOD, uplifting subjects instead of the usual terrorism, murderous savages in woods, or fictitious boogeymen biting off limbs, can't they get a little more creative than White Teacher In East L.A.? So, I had this idea of writing about this crochety old white man who starts teaching in the ghetto and JUST doesn't give a shit. Because nobody tells HIS story! Maybe there could be a teacher in that school who's young and doesn't know any better, so she tries to "make a difference" while all the kids just slowly beat her down to a withered old bag or something. And he'll just be there, slumped over his desk, half-drunk whiskey bottle in the bottom drawer, handgun with one bullet in the top he continually uses while playing Russian Roulette in between periods, toupee all crooked and backwards, and he just clicks on some video every day with a remote control. Wouldn't it be funny if the kids went from being thugs and drug dealers into upstanding human beings all the while this teacher continues NOT to give a shit? I wanna see THAT movie.

We're trying to find a place to get a Christmas Tree for the apartment, but so far the only one that's been found is about 9 subway stops away. From what I understand, you're not supposed to bring trees onto the subway, so we might be fuckered. All I know is I won't be a part of the festivities tomorrow because I pushed back my running day so I could go to the movies this afternoon.

OK, so don't freak out or anything, but I finally downloaded James Brown's Funky Christmas album. The Godfather of Motherfuckin' Soul has NEVER sounded better! Oh, and I also found the new 3-CD release by Tom Waits. And, I also got a 3-CD collection of random Christmas songs, but I got rid of all but 19. Some gems include:

Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick
Jethro Tull - Ring Out Solstice Bells
John & Yoko And The Plastic Ono Band With The Harlem Community Choir - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time
Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody
Little Stevie Wonder - What Christmas Means To Me
Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday

Except for that song by Slade - and the sheer fact that Jethro Tull even HAS a Christmas song - nothing compares to James Brown's "Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto"

I'm more holly and jolly this year than I've been in years ...
  • Current Music
    James Brown - Tit for Tat (Ain't No Taking Back)