Hell, I Can Make It Anywhere, Even If I Am A Fuck Up

It's hard to pick from Holden Caulfield's brain and not become really and for-truly downtrodden about the world.

I know a lot of artsy, dark, brooding intellectual types enjoy likening themselves to Mr. Caulfield's plight with society - it really seems like the hip thing to do. "I identify with that character SO MUCH. It's like he's reading my MIND!" Of course, I know better. I know those people are full of s-h-i-t SHIT!

People like to think they're "better" than the random imbecile they run into in school or on the street because they think they can spot the Phonies better than anyone else. The truth of the matter is, EVERYONE is a fucking phony! Holden Caulfield is one of the BIGGEST phonies! Think about it, he talks about how he pretty much hates or finds something annoying about everyone, and yet, when he talks to those people he'd just sentences before been badmouthing, he's all nice and accommodating. And, let's not forget the fact that - near the end - he talks about what a swell idea it'd be to move out west, live alone in a cabin near the woods, pretending to be a deaf-mute so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone. But, this guy's about as sociable as it gets! He's striking up random conversations with strangers left and right! He bitches about his older brother squandering his talents in Hollywood, and yet HE'S the one flunking damn near every subject in school because he doesn't give a damn!

Look, it's easy to go around hating everyone. People like to get on your nerves almost as much as they like breathing. The bottom line is, these Entitled, Elitist Intellectual fuckheads are just as bad as the fucking morons. At least people with low IQs or living along the poverty line don't have this sense of entitlement that makes them think they're better than anyone else.

But, Holden's got it right on one account. Things that go on in the world are pretty fucking miserable. I mean, it's everywhere you fucking turn! Corruption at nearly every God damned level of society. You take one whiff of Congress and you'll see a lifetime of corruption right there. Politicians who give themselves RAISES so they won't be tempted to strike illegal/immoral deals with lobbyists. In other words, they're giving themselves MORE money to prevent themselves from breaking the law! And yet, teachers remain ill-compensated for their efforts, police and fire stations are underfunded, and troops are running around with out-dated protective gear.

And then the politicians go out and make their illegal deals anyway.

Not that I'm on the side of greedy corporate swindlers, but how in fuck's name do congressional leaders get off on judging corrupt CEOs when there's no one around holding THEM accountable?

Then, you've got O.J. with his How To book on how he would've killed his ex-wife and her "friend" if he had, indeed, been the murderer. I'm sure that and the corresponding TV Special will make unnecessary millions for a guy who never had any business being famous in the first place. Look, I'll level with you, at the time of his acquittal, I didn't think O.J. did it. Maybe I'm nuts, but I can't get a rhyming Johnny Cochran out of my mind. Now, I don't base that on fact or any tangible knowledge about my person ... I just like rooting for the underdog. Hey! It's what I do! From day 1, everyone said he was guilty, was going to be found guilty, and would rot in prison for eternity. And then, all of a sudden, things were bungled, racist cops were given a voice, evidence may or may not have been tampered with, and we have a free man on our hands (still waiting for my O.J. prize, by the way). Seems like every day since, though, I've regretted rooting for that man, as he's proven time and time again to be a collosal pain in the ass. He couldn't just quietly wallow his life away in seclusion, maybe in some other country, and never allow himself to speak in public again like he should have. No, he's gotta go around every few years proclaiming his innocence, all the while looking guiltier and guiltier.

You've got Naomi Campbell in court because she threw her JEWEL-ENCRUSTED Blackberry at her maid. Now, she's demanding - not just community service - but community service involving holding a cancer fundraiser; because she doesn't want her picture taken like Boy George when she's out on the roadsides picking up garbage. So, again, in other words: this so-called supermodel (though, really, her relevence has dwindled considerably in recent years) gets to act like a collosal rich snobby bitch, abuse her help, and then throw a party with a bunch of other rich snobby bitches to raise money for cancer and end up looking like a humanitarian. Even though she's a classist bigot.

I hate to sound like a preachy asshole on this one, but it's kinda hard not to be!

(to be continued after lunch)

Do you think, years ago before they acted in movies and TV shows and such, that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had non-celebrity friends? Because, judging by their wedding guest list - a list that even Queen Oprah couldn't get her fat ass on - I'd have to think not. You gotta tell me, what movie did Jim Carrey do with either of them to get to be such close friends? Or Jennifer Lopez? Is this one of those things where you get famous and only start hanging around famous people?

Why do celebrities always complain about paparazzi and yellow journalism when they're so out of touch with humanity they can't see that everything they do is completely insane? If they honestly wanted to be out of the public eye, there's a right way and a wrong way to do it. You know what? DON'T go to the trendy, high-scale restaurant; DON'T shop in Beverly Hills (in fact, don't fucking shop! If you're so God damned rich, why don't you shop on-line or by phone if you don't want people snappin' pitchers?); DON'T have your fucking wedding in some castle in Italy! If you make your lives appear to be as boring as everyone else's, then everyone else will cease to be interested in whatever the fuck it is that you do with your free time.

Aww, you know what, everyone's too fat lazy and stupid anyway; what's the point in lecturing? People are just going to continue going along being fatter, lazier, and stupider than they should be no matter how much common sense you try to ingrain into them. I mean, as long as they make hamburgers with fried eggs, "pre-worn" new denim jeans, and fucking TV shows with washed up athletes dancing with anorexic hookers, nothing's ever going to change.

I mean, seriously, it's not like it takes all that much effort to break in a pair of jeans ...

What do you do when you're forced to take sides between family vs. friends? You side with right over wrong.

I'm supposed to be working on my novel right now. I'm supposed to write about 7 pages today to stay on pace for the month, but I've been too busy being immersed in this shitshow.

I've got this aunt on my dad's side who - apparently behind my back - got MARRIED to this guy she's been living with for a few years. Yes, I found that out in an e-mail today, but it's unrelated to the story (just kind of a Fuck You to yours truly who, apparently, isn't worthy of the knowledge that his own aunt who he e-mails on a regular basis and is rather quite fond of got married). The guy she married - apparently my uncle according to the law - is a good guy who's got a knack for sports and trash talking. So, at the beginning of the football season, I invited him to join my Fantasy Football League, because I figured he was a guy who'd add a little bit to the message board and he'd CERTAINLY stick with his team and play out the whole season.

Yes, in case you're wondering, this WHOLE thing derived from something as stupid as Fantasy Football. But, trust me, I'm not the one being overly dramatic here, this one's a WHOPPER.

Now, I've been "Commissioner" of this league for three or four years now. As commissioner, I set up the league, I set up the scoring rules, and I invite the people to join. After that, as commissioner, I let the people play and say however and whatever they like, respectfully. I COULD be one of those hard-ass commissioners who rules with an iron fist, but I generally trust the people to be juvenile and spread the potty humor joyously.

In my league, there are ten participants total. Me, my good friend and ex-housemate Jake, Jake's older brother, SIX of my friends from the dorms who I know very well, and ... my uncle, a newcomer who nobody knows. The season's now 10 weeks old, and for the most part it's been like any other fantasy football season. Wins and losses and lots of shit talked about lots of people.

Then comes THE comment. I'm not gonna say what it was or who said it, but I'll just say that it was one of my dorm friends and it involved the hypothetical threat of physical violence. First of all, it was in defense of another friend (also from the dorm) in the league and it was directed towards my uncle. My uncle who doesn't know anyone in the league but me and, to a lesser extent, Jake.

Now, I'm not gonna say I was all entirely comfortable with the comment, it had the Cringe Factor involved. But, really, that was ONLY because this dorm friend and my uncle don't know each other, so I was wary about how my uncle would react. The fact that I know who the dorm friend is and I know he's capable of saying just about anything to get a rise out of anyone doesn't really matter. Was he serious about the threat? Who knows? Like, if by some random, almost impossible chance they happened to meet, would it actually come to blows? I haven't got a God damned clue!

Look, I'm uncomfortable when friends of mine are at odds. It makes me feel really shitty because I'm the kind of guy who just wants EVERYONE to get along and be happy and friendly. Obviously, that doesn't happen, but normally it has no effect on me personally. However, when I'm in a situation where I think it might do some good, I try to infuse some humor into the situation to try and lighten the mood. Which is what I did on the Fantasy Football message board, by simply making fun of everyone. My hope being, they'd sit back, look at things, and realize how stupid it all is.

More barbs are exchanged on the message board back and forth, nothing so testy. I just figured that this is some kind of mid-week entertainment that would blow over as soon as Sunday came around and all the football games would be decided. Then, my uncle decides to send my dorm friend an e-mail. With Yahoo, you can do that by a simple click of a button. So, my uncle sent an e-mail saying he wanted it over - why this couldn't be achieved via Message Board, I have no idea. But, with e-mail, you're getting a little more personal and a little more in-your-face. Antagonistic, in other words.

There is no doubt in my mind that my dorm friend in question NEVER would've sent an e-mail to my uncle unless first provoked with an e-mail. My friend wasn't taking this whole thing that seriously, he's not obsessive like that about a stupid Fantasy Football message board taunt. But, he sent an e-mail to my uncle saying how he wouldn't be baited into fighting and getting an assault charge brought against him. Because I made it clear my uncle wouldn't hesitate to get cops involved if he felt threatened. After all, he's a married family man.

By the way, before this day of e-mail exchanging today, I was getting the business from both of these guys asking about one another; so I did what I always do when put in the middle like this: tell the truth about things that are common knowledge or wouldn't personally affect either party, and LIE LIE LIE about everything else. By the way, I do this with EVERYONE, doesn't matter if you're in my family or not. So, if you plan on having me in the middle of your little rift with a common acquaintance, just know that I'll be lying to you.

I DON'T LIKE BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR QUEER LITTLE FIGHTS!

As an aside before I conclude this monstrocity, I'd like to say I'm particularly proud of the whole "Goldberg" last name I gave to my dorm friend. Little slice of genius, I must say.

Anyway, tonight, when I got home, what do I find? A barrage of e-mails from my aunt, who's apparently been freaked out by the news and Law & Order one too many times. Now, they're of the opinion that my dorm friend is some lunatic who's planning his little scheme and who'll eventually show up on their doorstep with a handgun, a hacksaw, and the address to a guy who raises pigs.

I've been ordered to hand over my friend's physical appearance, my friend's address and phone number, and I've refused. You know why? It's not that I'm loyal to him over members of my own family; it's because I know what's RIGHT. I know my friend wouldn't do anything to my family, especially over something as stupid as a Fantasy Football message board.

Oh, I'm sure I haven't heard the end of this. Because, no matter how articulate I was in the e-mail where I reassured both of them this matter would go no further; no matter how passionate I was in the 20-minute phone conversation defending my friend for something as imbecilic as a message posting; it's not going to get through. They both feel they've been wronged, threatened, and suffered emotional damage as a result.

I just don't want my friend to get the cops called on him for something irrelevant. For a threat that doesn't exist, because he's moved so beyond this issue it's unbelievable.

So, let me get this straight, I move to New York to extricate myself from distractions, and lo and behold, I'm getting FUCKED in my fucking asshole by shit THOUSANDS of miles away! Oh, OK, so I'M the badguy in this case - at least according to my aunt and uncle - because I didn't do my Commissioner's duty and expell this ne'erdowell from the league after his first comment. Whatever, play the game or don't. If my uncle hadn't of thrown fuel on the fire, this thing would've ended with that one and only one comment anyway.

Look, I'm sorry. Believe what you will about the supposed threat that's posed out of all this, but if I believed in any way that my family was ACTUALLY in ANY physcial danger of any kind, I would 100% comply with their wishes and ball out my dorm friend. But, I have to go with what's right in this. I have to go with what my heart and my mind say. That's the bottom line.

I swear to fucking God, it's enough to make a guy want to chuck the whole e-mail and phone system right out the window and revert to letter-writing. If people want to reach me, they can fucking pay 40 cents to do it.