October 17th, 2006

Don't Hassle the Hoff

What's The Weather Like Up Your Own Ass?

BROOKLYN, NY. In Home Decoration News, aspiring writer and resident bum Steven A. Taylor just acquired "The Dolphin Shelf" from flatmate Jenny Fitzsimmons. Ms. Fitzsimmons, who resides just one room over, was believed to be relieved in seeing the dolphin shelf go. "I've had it with that thing. If you want it, you can have it!"

Mr. Taylor appeared to be elated in receiving the three-tiered metal shelf - with three leaping dolphins adorning the back just over the top shelf - placing his clothing on the bottom two levels and his tray of pens and other random things on top. He was quoted as saying, "Yeah, I bagged the bitch on the first night. She tastes so sweet!"

All seemed to be well until Ms. Fitzsimmons saw how well acclimated the dolphin shelf had become. In replacing the giant UPS box, the dolphin shelf has incorporated itself grandly into the decor of Mr. Taylor's bedroom, while providing an increased sense of flow; not to mention additional style, as dolphins are, according to Mr. Taylor, "Bitchin'." Ms. Fitzsimmons initially showed signs of Giver's Remorse, saying, "I give you away and this is how you repay me! Whore!" However, the bad blood did not last very long after Ms. Fitzsimmons returned to her bedroom and gazed upon her newly purchased white wooden shelf from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

When asked how it felt to be abandoned, the dolphin shelf said, "I'm just happy to be in a place where I'm appreciated. I look in my snookums eyes (term of endearment for Mr. Taylor) and I see nothing but love.

"By the way, does it always smell like this in here?"


I ironed tonight. I hate ironing. Well, that's not true: I hate the idea of ironing. It's just such a thankless chore with its only reward being "ready" to go to work in the very near future (however, AS I'm ironing, I find my patience-level to be at an all-time high ... it's very soothing, like I'm ironing out the wrinkles of life ... yes, I did say that to my flatmates tonight, resulting in catcalls of "NERD!!!").

OK, so it's no secret that I hate to work. But, there are varying levels of hatred - dread might be a more appropriate word. Once I've gotten into a good little rhythm of work-home-sleep-work-home-sleep, I don't dread it as much, because I've become entrenched in The Grind. The everyday Grind of mundane activity - to be saved on the weekend - followed by more mundane activity the following week. That's not so bad, because my soul's been officially crushed and I no longer have the spirit for anything beyond the flippant complaint.

But, what REALLY sucks is that period right before I start a new job. It's like - for me - the week before school used to start. I HATED the beginning of the school year. I know many people probably enjoyed it because they got to hang out with their friends and shit, but I was nothing but a huge ball of panic. Mostly, I feared walking in there, seeing what the classes were gonna be like, and getting the sense that I had absolutely NO idea what they were talking about. Like, somehow, in between grades, all the material might've passed me by. But, once I got in there and realized it was the same stupid, easy shit as before, I was OK.

That's what I've gotta do with this whole work thing. I always expect I'm gonna get in some job and they'll all be speaking (insert foreign language here) Canadian or something, and giving me work I'm mostly unqualified for. Obviously, I'll be qualified. But, then there's the very real fear of my fucking something up. Then, I just have to remember, "The worst they can do is fire me." That ain't so bad, especially considering that I'm just a temp anyway. Oooo, a temp being fired! I think an angel just got its fucking wings.

I guess the worst thing of all, though, is just the Going Back aspect. I've been job-free since July 28th, if I make it to the end of the month, it'll be three in a row. Do you realize how nice it is to NOT have any responsibilities? I can't wait to get my ass out of debt so I can do it all over again.
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