October 5th, 2006


Kon's Birthday Mini-Play (In One Act)


Apartment, late night: Kon and Steve are in a living room watching Elimidate. Both have been drinking for many hours, yet, somehow, both are still awake long after everyone else has gone to bed. Kon's in a chair, Steve's laying on the floor, half his body under covers.

Steve - God, this show sucks.
Kon - Come on, it's great! Look at that guy!
Steve - He's a huge douche!
Kon - Yeah, I know! It's great!
Steve - (sees Kon going for his phone) What are you doing?
Kon - Nothing.
Steve - Who are you calling?
Kon - Nobody! (Kon flips open the phone, scanning the names)
Steve - No drunk dialing! You know the rules!
Kon - I'm just gonna make one quick call.
Steve - Dammit C-man! Who are you calling?
Kon - Nobody.
Steve - So help me God, if you don't put down that phone (Steve makes to sit up)
Kon - What are you gonna do?
Steve - I'm gonna take that God-damned phone, that's what I'm gonna do!
Kon - Yeah right! You think you're people!
Steve - (standing calmly, palm out) If I don't have that phone in my hands by the count of three, there's gonna be trouble.
Kon - What; Super Receeding Hairline Trouble? Angry Gerber Baby Trouble?
Steve - One ...
Kon - Thirty-Long Pant-Leg Trouble?
Steve - Two ...
Kon - Neckhole-Widening Trouble?
Steve - Two and a half ...
Kon - (in a mocking-Steve voice) If you don't give me that phone in fifteen more seconds, THAT'S IT!
Steve - Three!

Steve lunges for the phone; Kon fends him off with one arm, then turns and gets out of the chair. A chase ensues around the dining room table before both end up in the kitchen. Steve gets a hand on the phone, but knocks over a glass in the process. It shatters to the floor and Steve loses grip on phone.

Kon - Dammit, C-man, you're gonna lose that hand! (running towards bedroom; he makes it in, but not before Steve gets a foot in there, preventing its closure)
Steve - Ha! (struggling as he's trying to push the door open) Mmph, I have you now!
Kon - (dialing phone) It's ringing!
Steve - NO DRUNK DIALS! (struggles harder, but it's no use)
Kon - (into the phone) Hello?
Steve - Kon's drunk! Don't listen to him!
Kon - Andres! You're awake!
Steve - (no longer concerned that Kon only decided to call Andres, he stops pushing against the door) Andres? Why would you call THAT focker?
Kon - (into phone) Steve says hey.
Steve - I didn't say that! Tell him he's a jackass! Tell him he's only got three more punches and then I start kicking ass!
Kon - (into phone) Steve says he wants your man-meat. OK, I'll tell him. (to Steve) Andres says "No way, Gaylord."

Steve, growing bored already, takes foot out of door - which promptly slams shut. He walks into the kitchen, looking at the freezer that doesn't belong to him, deciding which food item he feels like stealing. He opens a frozen pizza and sticks it in the oven. Then, he grabs somebody's Gatorade from the fridge and closes it. After setting the oven timer, Steve sits back down in the chair, watching television. Shortly after, Kon emerges from the bedroom to find Steve having slumped into the chair, passed out.

Kon - You asshat!
Steve - (startled awake) I wasn't sleeping!
Kon - The hell you weren't! I just saw you!
Steve - Got you good, you fucker!
Kon - Man, you were NOT playing 'possum!
Steve - Works every time!
Kon - Yeah, OK, so we can just say that for the next 8 hours you'll be "Playing 'Possum" then.
Steve - Such a sore loser ...
Kon - Such a JACKASS!
Steve - Hey, if you're ready to pass out, by all means, pass out. I won't think you're any less of a girl than you already are.
Kon - Uhh huh huh, FUNNY GUY! Right There!
Steve - Why are we still watching Elimidate?
Kon - Because there's nothing else on!
Steve - (finding the remote in the chair cushion under him) The fuck there isn't. (starts flipping channels).
Kon - (laughing) God, have you ever seen Nate so drunk in your life?
Steve - How many tequila shots did he down? (grimacing) I almost threw up just watching him!
Kon - I almost threw up just watching him make out with that chick!
Steve - Did they leave together?
Kon - I think so, I saw her driving his car with him passed out in the front seat.
Steve - You think she pushed him out on the side of the freeway and is now on her way to Canada?
Kon - She probably dropped him off at some random house, telling him he's home.
Steve - I bet she's taking advantage of him as we speak.

(moments of silence passes)

Kon - Hey, what did you want to talk to me about?
Steve - (emersed in some late-night MTV programming) What?
Kon - You said tonight, "Later, we gotta talk!"
Steve - I did?
Kon - Dammit C-man! Yes!
Steve - What was it about?
Kon - I tried to ask! And you just kept saying, "Later, we'll talk later!"
Steve - Well, I don't remember.
Kon - God! You're worthless!
Steve - Oh wait! I remember now! What do you think about that girl we saw tonight?
Kon - Which one?
Steve - The one who was dancing over by the stage.
Kon - The red head?
Steve - Yeah.
Kon - What about her?
Steve - What'd you think?
Kon - Ehh, she was all right.
Steve - I've seen her in Tommy's a couple times now. We should go back there next week and I'll talk to her.
Kon - (laughing) Yeah right!
Steve - You don't think I will?
Kon - Wasn't she with, like, a boyfriend or something?
Steve - Was she?
Kon - I think so. She was dancing with somebody.
Steve - Was she?
Kon - Yeah, I'm pretty sure she was.
Steve - Dammit! Well, I'm talking to her anyway. She's an Aerosmith fan, I gotta at least bring that up.
Kon - (going into the kitchen) Well, when her boyfriend tries to kick your ass ... (sees the oven timer on) Why's the timer on?
Steve - I'm making pizza.
Kon - The oven's not on.
Steve - Shut UP! (disbelieving) I JUST put it in there!
Kon - (opening, seeing the cold oven) The oven's not on, renob!
Steve - Well, turn it on!
Kon - No! You're gonna pass out!
Steve - Kiss my ass! Turn it on!
Kon - Fine, but I'm eating half.
Steve - Says who?
Kon - It's not your pizza!
Steve - It's not yours!
Kon - Yes it is!
Steve - Bull SHIT!
Kon - Dammit C-man, I just bought it yesterday!
Steve - I'll give you AH slice.
Kon - I'll give YOU a slice of my fist!
Steve - Don't make me come over there!
Kon - You want to wrestle!
Steve - I'll kick your fuckin' ass!
Kon - Let's go (walking back into the living room)
Steve - (standing, turning) You mess with the bull, you get the horns, C-man.
Kon - Don't sign up for the duel if you don't have the guns! (flexing)

Steve lunges towards Kon's midsection, but is almost immediately taken down into an uncomfortable position. Kon's leaning on him, trying to force a tap-out.

Kon - Say uncle!
Steve - No way! I've got you right where I want you!
Kon - You can't win, say uncle!
Steve - Huh uh! I guess we'll just have to say it's a draw.

Kon flips him around, but Steve scrambles to the wall. Kon's on top again, but still no pin.

Kon - You can't win! Give up!
Steve - The hell I can't!

Steve takes his first two fingers and jabs Kon in the nutsack; Kon falls in a heap on the ground, clutching his wounded area. Steve falls on him, but he's only angered the beast. Kon shoves him into the chair, knocking it over into the TV, which falls, blowing up on the ground. Kon's gotten three or four good kidney punches in before he realizes the ruckus they've caused. Both stop and stare in amazement at the wreckage.

Kon - Ho-lee shit!
Steve - What'd you DO?
Kon - Me? It was YOUR fault!
Steve - This sucks.
Kon - I know! That was MY TV! Do you know how expensive a new one's gonna be?
Steve - No, I meant, NOW what are we gonna watch?
Kon - Dammit C-man! Is that all you can think about?!
Steve - Well, YEAH! In ten minutes, we were looking at two back-to-back hours of Walker, Texas Ranger!
Kon - (thinking) I have a little 13-incher in my room.
Steve - That's what she said.
Kon - Here, help me bring it out.
Steve - That's what she said.
Kon - Dammit! Come on!
Steve - That's what ... (he's interrupted by Kon punching his arm)

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