September 24th, 2006


Half Italian, Half Spick

Said the white woman to the comic when her boyfriend was asked what ethnicity he was.

To which the comic replied, pointing to the family full of Puerto Ricans at the table behind us, "Are you crazy? There's a table full of switchblades RIGHT THERE!"

It's always funny to go to a live comedy show and watch how people will react, especially if the joke pertains to them in some way. At the end of our table, there was a couple (nearest to the stage). The man was a regular guy, but his wife was big and fat. And so, there was this really tall, goofy white comic up there cracking fat jokes. Right off, the fat woman is NOT laughing, not reacting in any way. Like, she's obviously offended or hurt or whatever, but she doesn't want to be one of those people who shows her emotions when she feels she's being picked on, so she's deathly still. The man, he wasn't really laughing either (and, I know, it's kinda hard to pull off a good fat-joke - especially when they're in the room - but these jokes weren't terrible; I was laughing, not busting a gut, but I got the humor), but you could tell he wanted to bust out. All he'd allow himself was the sputtering HA every now and then.

So, anyway, I gotta ask you, what's with these people who have NO sense of humor going to comedy shows? Like, obviously, you're paying 5-10 bucks for a ticket, you're not gonna be getting the funniest cat on the block. But, these guys aren't bad! The funniest guy, Greer Barnes, he's been on a few episodes of Chapelle's Show, and most of the crowd was busting a gut! But, there's always a few fuckers who just sit there and NEVER laugh. Like, they're sitting there and it becomes a challenge. "I'm gonna sit here stone-faced, YOU make me fucking laugh!" Look, if you want Robin Fucking Williams, then go to Broadway and shell out $70-$300 per ticket! This is Sal's Comedy Hole! You get that? It's a fucking HOLE! I paid $5 for two tickets, then they have a $10 drink minimum that's not all that inforced. THAT'S IT! You get what you pay for, $15 Comedy.

I was a little worried. I bought the ticket in Times Square two weeks ago from some dude who works at Sal's Comedy Hole (did not perform tonight, sadly) for $5. And, these are actual dollars, mind you. Them fellas come at a PREMIUM right now! The ticket for two is only good through September 30th, and we're having a fucking party next weekend! Luckily, Jenny's plans fell through tonight, so I had someone to go with. There's nothing worse than sitting there in front of the warm-up comic (the guy who introduces the comics and does a short routine to get the crowd going in the beginning), who's just making fun of EVERYONE he sees - let's see, there was ol' Nice Tits, Unibrow, Spick-Wop, The Puerto Ricans, Annoying Loud Black Chicks From Jersey City In The Back - and if I woulda been there alone, SURELY I'd have faced his comedic wrath.

Anyway, the warm-up guy happened to be Sal himself. He was pretty good (thankfully, Jenny and I are too unassuming to be pointed out by the Warm-Up comic). Then, there was the young black guy and he was OK. Then Greer Barnes came on and SLAYED everyone. He was awesome! Then, there was the tall goofy white guy and he was pretty good too. The last guy ended up being this pretty-boy from New Jersey who totally SUCKED. Luckily he was on for MAYBE five minutes. It was sad. He was telling 5-inch clitoris jokes: I mean BAD.

But, Greer Barnes, man, he was awesome. He was obviously stoned out of his mind, but he could still do these amazing impressions: British people, Southern people, The Black Batman, Cops on Horses, Uptight White People, Homosexuals. It was great. He was talking about this time where he was in England at a bar and he sees this British Black Guy all agitated. So, he goes over to him and asks him what's going on. BBG says that he and his friends are gonna go over and kick the asses of some neo-nazis. Greer sees that it's 5-on-4 so he has to jump in and make it even, 6-on-4. Anyway, the British cops end up coming over and arresting all of them, but unlike the American police they're super polite. In the British accent, he immitates the cop saying, "Now, is it all right if I put these cuffs on you?" And Greer's looking at him all queer, wondering if he's for real. "You mean I have a choice?" And the cop says, "Yes, if you promise to sit back there and be well-behaved, then you don't have to wear the cuffs." So, Greer turns around and says, "Naw, you better put 'em on. I feel like I'm being set up."

You ever notice how repeating elaborate jokes RARELY work out funny when you try to re-print them?

So, get this: Have you ever had Guiness in a cup? Unheard of, right? And, I mean, we're talking a little-ass cup, we're talking 3-4 inches at the max (that's what she said). You ever have two of these little-ass cups of Guiness? Well, stop by Sal's Comedy Hole on your next stop into The Village for his special SEVEN FUCKING DOLLAR little-ass cups of Guiness! Or Stella or whatever beer your dumb ass tries to get from the tap. I'd hate to imagine what the 12-ounce bottles of beer cost; I'm sure that'd probably cover the $10 minimum right there. You know what Jenny and I paid for four beers, plus the tax and tip that was already included? Thirty Six Fucking Dollars! For the equivalent to what HAD to be two pints, definitely no more than three. Yes, from now on I'm going around this city as a recovering fucking alcoholic; that's all there is to it.

I've already read two of those plays I checked out from the library: Waiting for Godot and Glengarry Glen Ross. Then, I went to the Hollywood Video tonight and checked out the movie-version of Glengarry Glen Ross. Fuck man, check out this line-up of actors: Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, Alec Baldwin, Ed Harris, Kevin Spacey, the guy who plays the Governor on Pirates of the Caribbean (or, if you're my brother, Seamus O'Rourke from Ronin), and someone named Alan Arkin who you'd probably recognize from SOMETHING, though nothing specific (he's just ... one of THOSE guys).

So, I'm gonna watch that now. I had White Castle again today. Fuckin' tasty.
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