September 8th, 2006


Harold et Kumar chassent le burger

Chassent le burger? Are you Frenchies kidding me? Who would SEE a movie called Harold and Kumar Chassent le Burger? Unless "Chassent" means, "to rock one's cock in," I'm just not buying it.

What I AM buying, however, are White Castle burgers. Like, 50 of them. Once I'm hungry enough. Actually, that's a damn dirty lie, because I saw how they made le burgers, and it's not pretty. First of all, I was sorta right; they're kinda like those McDonalds sausages. Only, you're gonna want to square those round badboys, and make them just a LITTLE thinner. Now, take one of those big metal frying stoves and just level a huge sheet of them on top - I mean, we're talking 15 by 20 burgers here, in one huge rectangle. Now, you're gonna want to cook these things JUST enough so that they're sort of grey, but they still leave you wondering if you're not going to catch some strand of flesh-eating disease by eating them. Ejaculate a small dose of decades-old dehydrated onion bits on top, followed by a mini-glob of catsup, and a ridged-pickle for zest. Slap a soggy bun around this abortion (I don't know if any of you remember those "Chicken Littles" that Kentucky Fried Chicken used to make, but they're about that size and shape, I'd say - the buns anyway) and you've got yourself a 51-cent hamburger. They stick them in individual cardboard boxes with one end open, so just in case you thought, by eating a smaller hamburger you might be helping the environment - well your bitch ass better think again!

I was expecting my stomach to revolt, threshing its way through my insides, escaping out of my mouth, and beating me senseless with a nearby blunt object - perhaps a napkin holder or one of those catsup-dispensers. But, they make a Tasty Burger! And the onion rings: not too much breading, but still cooked to a crisp ... I'm telling you I wanted to walk behind the bullet-proof glass and shake the chef's hand, had it not been lopped off in a gangland war of some kind.

Now, I don't want any of you looking up what's INSIDE those monstrocities and telling me the gory ingredients; I imagine what goes into hot dogs, only double the horse-urine and three-times the goat testicle-hairs. Just keep your nerdery to yourselves! I'm teetering as it is without a Taco del Mar here (still trying to conjure up a way for people to overnight me a daily supply of pork burritos and see if it's cost-effective enough to be worth it ... I think I just need to make it with a stewardess who flies red-eyes to the other coast; she'll get me what I need), if White Castle proves to be a sufficient replacement in the meantime, I don't want it ruined. They don't have the widest selection, though. Just burgers and fries and rings, with some freaky breakfast menu I'm horrified to glance at.

I'm taking a break from writing to bask in Internet's warm glowing warming glow. I'm progressing quite slowly on the whole job-hunt thing (I need to remember to get the name of that temp agency from Emily and finish filling out that application tomorrow). Not much news of which to speak, except for the downpour we had from above in our kitchen and bathroom again tonight. We were battoning down the hatches like no other in there - four bowls collecting water this time! I watched in horror as the part of the ceiling that was haphazardly slapped together with something resembling packing tape started ballooning up with water. I got on a chair to try and push the tumor back into the ceiling, but that only succeeded in opening the blister, squirting me with an unholy mixture of water and bondo. Super Shawn came up and had a look; it seems the "plummer" who was hired didn't fasten the pipe correctly - or at all, by his accounts. Great, just great. Anybody else would've hired The Mario Brothers to come in and do the job right, we get Joe Fuckstick with the plumbing degree from "Honest John's House of Chicken & Fixing Stuff". If I wanted to be rained upon by a milky white substance, I'd head over to the nearest bath-house wearing my Silence Of The Lambs cock-between-my-legs outfit!
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