September 7th, 2006


Watch Out For The Closing Doors

Man, you fuck with Facebook, and you get the HORNS! Christ in a Handbasket: over 520,000 people joined the Students against Facebook News Feed (Official Petition to Facebook) club as of 4:19am Eastern. First New Coke, then Ashlee Simpson's nose job, now this! HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD???

Thus should hopefully comprise the most I'm ever to talk about Facebook in this forum in one sitting. Thank you and good night.

So, who's the badass? Oh, that's right, I'M the badass! Who's the one awake at the crack of 4:20 in the AM and NOT using the Internet on Emily's computer? Why, it's the badass, of course, because HE bought a router today for 80 clams and HE installed the software and HE got all three of the computers wirelessly connected to the motherfucking Internet (now standing at 66.67% of household computers thanks to Liz's being cooky). Brave is the new world where Steven A. Taylor is the technical guru of the complex. But, to these people, in relation to computers, I'm Pete and Devin and Bill Gates all wrapped up in one Super He Man. It's frightening; I'm fearing the day when I start getting trouble-shooting questions.

With Jenny's foot still hobbled by the gnarly gash, we had a contest the other day. Well, it wasn't really so much of a contest as an Exercise Program For People Who Can't Use Their Left Feet. I'll get to the interesting part: The Physically Challenged Races (not to be confused with Double Dare's Physical Challenges). There was SUPPOSED to be three timed events: Going the length of the apartment down and back on crutches, Going the length of the apartment down and back hopping on one foot, Going down and up the stairs while hopping on one foot and using the crutches as a brace along with the handrail. We had to nix that last one, because there were workers monopolizing the stairs bringing in supplies to the remodeled upstairs apartment. All of these events, though, comprise what Jenny has to do on a daily basis. Using the stairs to get to the subway, hopping around the apartment to save time, etc.

I'm not gonna lie to you, my time was pretty bad in the Crutches portion of the competition. Obviously, Jenny had the inside track, what with the two weeks of practice. She made it down the length of the apartment (through four rooms) and back in around 20 seconds. But, my time of 45 seconds (much of which saw me using the crutches incorrectly in my haste to record a respectable time) narrowly defeated Liz and Emily, who reached the stratosphere in the 55 second range. But, in the hopping race, I KILLED! Oh man! Again, Jenny's got a noticably stronger right leg than her left, what with all the stair climbing she's had to hop to (the muscle mass is actually slightly bigger than what must be an atrophed left leg), so she posted another 20 second time. However, I flew under, nailing it down at 13 seconds! Boo yah! Emily and Liz, fearing for their bodily safety, posted times again in the 50-60 second range.

Let me see, so if I'm hearing this correctly, you flew all the way to New York - to live - and all you've accomplished in your nearly two weeks there is a World's Record Time in the first-ever Hopping on One Foot Race inside Apartment 2L on Halsey Street.

You'd say that, wouldn't you? You'd say exactly that - to my face! - had you the guts! I know it! Well, I'll have you swine know I've done a LITTLE more with myself than just that. I killed my second cockroach of the day less than an hour ago! How about THAT? And I found the Sports Radio station on my little clock radio - got to hear some of the Dan Patrick Show for the very first time, with special guest Keith Olbermann this afternoon. AND, I figured out where I'm going to go watch Seahawks games, starting this Sunday afternoon at 4pm (haha, suckers! No waking up early on Sunday mornings for ME!): The ESPN Zone in Times Square (apparently, if I don't get there early enough, I'll be forced to stand - a small price to pay to see those pissant Detroit Lions go down in flames).

Speaking of sports bars, I don't know if I misled some of you, but I never meant to say that - by my moving here - I'm giving up drinking alcohol! On the contrary; all I meant to say was, for the time being - and perhaps for the indefinite future - alcohol won't be touching my lips. But, that's just because I somehow burned myself out on it during the road trip (with a slight relapse during the week of my leaving, for obvious reasons). These last two weeks (and however much longer I decide to extend it) have been more of a cleansing than anything. Granted, the opportunity for going out and getting shitfaced - like I would back home - has diminished completely through association with people who don't swing that way. But, the odd beer here and there won't be snubbed completely.

In all seriousness, though, sobriety aside, I actually HAVE done a wee bit o' writing. I'm 65 pages into a novel I'm writing this month. Go Here and you'll be able to read all about it. Technically, it's not supposed to be undertaken until November, but Jenny and I decided to do one this month too. It amounts to about 6 pages a day, so I'm nearly on pace for my 11th day. I'm already over a third of the way finished, it's a decent clip.

Anyway, I've got laundry to do tomorrow, and I guess I'll have to get on the whole "Job Hunt" think I said I'd set out to do this week. Sounds rather pisspoor to me, but fuck it, I NEED WORK!
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