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26 March 2009 @ 03:28 pm
We've all heard the phrase "more trouble than (applicative pronoun) is worth". It's a good phrase, one to live by if I've ever heard one.

That isn't to say that someone with whom you're in a relationship - loving or just plain friends - is someone for you to use up and throw away when that use is gone; rather, if you agree that all relationships should be 50/50, is that person putting up (applicative pronoun)'s end of the bargain?

This poses a particular curiosity for me, considering being my friend doesn't really require a whole lot. Therefore, I don't feel that what I do for my friends requires that much effort. If they need a favor, I'll most likely do it. If they need me to hide a dead body, I'll go grab a couple of shovels and a treasure map.

It strikes me, though, that the next level on the relationship ladder - the girlfriend matrix - necessitates a little more oomph on my part, should I choose to pursue one. And I know what you're thinking, "that's not necessarily true." Well, correct me if I'm wrong and may lightning strike me down, but I've found that the girls who enjoy saying, "I'm low maintenance" are almost always the opposite.

But, to pose something even more general, a girl is not me. I know me. For the most part, I get along with me and I always have. I know what I like, I know what I want to do, and I almost ALWAYS know what I'm thinking. I could date me ... but that might get hinky. Masturbation will only get you so far in life before you really get tired of the same old thing.

So, why do we, as humans, decide to pair off and mate? Sex and lonliness. We've been conditioned to be creatures of socialization through the ages. And fuck it, we're HORNY creatures of socialization. We may live in a puritanical society here in America, but dammit we like to FUCK! And I'm no different, on both accounts! I've tried it, I liked it, I'd like to get more of it ... and therein lies my main conundrum.

I don't like effort. I like things that come naturally to me, I like it when people do things FOR me; please God work my jaw for me, I don't want to spend those precious calories chewin'! And women, are, more effort than they're worth! Dammit! Not my friends, I'm talking about women who would be MORE than friends and so on and so forth. What do I want? Casual sex a few times a week and an empty bed so I can get my fucking beauty sleep!

Really, you're saying, that's what all guys want. I'm not going to go all 'He's Just Not That Into You' on this, because no, not all guys want that. But yes, it dates back to the fucking cavemen. If it were socially acceptable, more often than not guys would rather have a non-emotional fuckbuddy than a wife. Look at the divorce rates and how they escalate.

What's wrong with that? Nothing! Yet, we're conditioned - in our puritanical society - to be socialization-freak sex-addicts ... with conditions. You must, be, monogamous! You must meet someone, date them, make plans for the future, profess your affections aloud, and if necessary, throw rings and veils into the equation. That's the end game. Otherwise, you're 40 years old still chasing 20 year old skirt in bars, and I don't care who you are, you don't want to be that.

Well, I'm 28. I've never been one to go around chasing skirt because it's more trouble than it's worth. All that time and energy for something that has a low-percentage success rate, who wants that? I want something that requires low impact for high-percentage success, but that's just not how the world works. Not until they start making those supermodel sex robots affordable to the middle class. I'll be long dead by the time that comes around, but when it does, you women better WATCH OUT! "More trouble than she's worth" will no longer be the name of the game, because she'll be competing with digital vaginas. And what a glorious time to be a man that will be! A man lacking in acceptable social graces such as I.

God I'm tired. I'm going straight to bed as soon as I get home. What I wouldn't give to have a fuckbuddy there ready to ease me into slumber.