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Have you ever been eating Top Ramen from the little stovetop pot you boiled it in and accidentally burned your top lip when you went to drink the broth? But, not the entirety of your top lip, just the left and right side, causing both ends to puff way out like a collagen injection gone horribly awry? Ever had that happen and it didn't go away after a long night's sleep and then you went to work the next day smiling like Jack Nicholson in Batman?

Wait'll they get a load of me

Today's the day before Halloween and I think there's some kind of Pagan significance but I can't rightly recall. I've watched the first three Nightmare On Elm Streets (with three more to go) and I've got to tell you - knowing full well I'm putting the cart before the horse - that Freddy's got to be, by far, the scariest horror/slasher movie villain of all time.

I mean, think about it, Jason Vorhees was pretty much a pussy until that lightning bolt brought him back from the dead and gave him superhuman powers he never had before when he was "living". And Michael Meyers was nothing but a lumbering clod who somehow managed to keep going and going and going. He's like the LenDale White of horror movie bad guys. Give Michael Meyers 30 carries and he'll find a way to get 100 yards rushing.

But Freddy, he attacks you in your dreams! And it's not like you can ever kill him, because he's already dead. AND he can either wear the glove with the blades OR he can produce blades from his hand like Wolverine. Pretty much, you're fucked either way you slash it, and I'm not convinced there's a way you can stop him, given the trifling ways they've "defeated" him in the first three films.

I will give you this, though. Freddy does seem to go down pretty easily. But, look at him, he's like 115 pounds soaking wet! However, when he's at his peak power, he can do more with his mind control than any dreaming teenager could possibly fathom.

I have a question: you know that movie 'Hellraiser'? Is that the one with the guy who had all the spikes in his face? Is that something I should've added to the list of horror movies? Is that something for next Halloween?

I also have a question: let's say I'm the Warren Moon of LJ writing. And let's say that my old LJ is like Warren Moon's stint in the CFL (or was it the USFL). Now, is it possible for me to combine my stats from both stints in LJ writing and make my case for an LJ Hall of Fame? Or will they only accept my NFL numbers? AND, which LJ would be my NFL stint and which would be my CFL stint? Because I had 570 entries in the old one and 355 in this one, giving me 925 total overall. I guess what I'm trying to say is that 1,000 is on the horizon.

This is what I think about at work.
 
 
September, 2001. University of Washington, Mercer Hall Dormatory. 4-West.

School has just started and for a number of students, that means their freshman year of college is finally under way. For many, the first week is a chance to get settled, get everything moved into their dorm rooms, get to know their new floor-mates. For Mark Ian Sloane, the first week is merely seven days to get his drink on. The day is Tuesday, the time is 1:30 in the afternoon, and for Mark that means he's already on his second bottle of Gatorade (which is really a Gatorade bottle full of vodka with a splash of the electrolyte-replenishing liquid), which he's clutching like a heroin fiend craving his first fix of the day.

Clad in his basketball shorts - revealing his white, hairless legs - and a t-shirt brandishing his first name in some capacity, Mark settles in the 4-West lounge with the television set to SportsCenter. As he fidgets his legs and thinks about how awesome it'll be one day to have a super-manly mascot cheering on the Steelers in a stadium named after ketchup, he's unaware of the alcohol-hating madman lurking behind him. Before succumbing to the brutal murder of 1,000 tofu dogs up the ass, and just after he took a sip of his drink which no longer contained any alcohol whatsoever, Mark's final thoughts are: 'Is this Dr. Skipper?'

Since Mark never really hung out much in the dorms, nobody noticed as his tofu dog-stuffed body was dragged away by the madman and shoved into his closet for later fun and games. Sexy fun and games.

***


October, 2001. University of Washington, Mercer Hall Dormatory. 4-West.

As Mario Leon-Guerrero rode the painfully slow elevator with the ominously blinking light, struggling to hang onto the three bags of luggage strapped to his shoulders, he knew he got a raw deal getting stuck with Mercer Hall. But, since he signed up too late for housing and had to wait until a spot opened up, he was stuck with whatever he got. After what felt like an eternity, the doors creaked open and he stepped out into the dim hallway. Taking an immediate right, he slowly made his way down, checking the numbers on the doors as he passed them. As he approached the women's bathroom, he realized he was going the wrong way, but before he could turn around to correct his error, a creepy old man spun around the corner with a shaking finger pointed in his face.

"You've been warned! Leave now! Leave this place before it's too late!"

Startled, Mario jumped back, and as he did a set of hands braced him and he shrieked. Dropping his bags, he spun on his heels and felt a sense of relief when he saw a short skinny white guy with a brown afro and a soccerball underneath his right foot. "Don't listen to Old Man Taylor, he's a few marbles short of a full deck if you know what I mean. Hi, I'm Matt; you must be Mario."

"Yep. Who's he?"

"Old Man Taylor. He's lived here since Mercer Hall opened and he's the last one of the old timers still remaining. All he does now is lurk around the women's bathroom hoping a stray robe goes untied and make scary warnings about ... nevermind."

"What do you mean?" Mario asked, bending down to retrieve his bags.

"Well ... there's this ... legend, I guess. They say Mercer 4-West is haunted."

From behind Matt, Nate called out, "That's a load of crap." Nate approached them and continued his skeptical rant, "There is no such thing as The Vers!"

"Hey man, believe what you want. I'm just saying, the word is The Vers haunts these halls and kills anyone with the gall to live here."

"If you believe that," Nate said as Mario looked on silently and Old Man Taylor licked the women's bathroom door-handle, "then you're a bigger sucker than I thought."

"How do you explain what happened last year? There were a dozen unsolved murders on this very floor! They just finished renovating last week!"

"I don't explain it," Nate said as he kicked the soccerball out from under Matt's foot, laughing as he ran away with it.

Matt gave Nate the scowling of a lifetime, then grabbed one of Mario's bags and said, "Come on. Our room's this way."

As the walked back down the hall, Mario asked, "What happened to your old roommate?"

"Honestly, I don't even remember who he was. I seem to recall there being somebody with a borderline-psychotic knowledge of irrelevant white basketball players of the early 1990s; and there's a bunch of his clothes still in our room ... but nobody really knows what happened to him. He just vanished I guess."

Outside of their room, across the hall stood James Roy, giddily watching the closed door with the neon sign that read 'Devin's Laboratory'. Matt asked what was up and James said, "Shhh. Devin's makin' something."

"What's he making?"

"SHHH! He's makin' a British woman from his computer."

Matt laughed, "Oh, you mean like from that movie 'Weird Science'?"

James hesitated before saying, "Uhh, kinda."

As Matt led Mario into their room and closed the door, he could hear Devin maniacally shouting, "SHE'S ALIVE!!!!"

***


Later That Night, 4-West, Eric's Room

The usual gang of drinkers gathered inside Eric's dorm room as his roommate was gone for the night. This included Pete and Juli - dating since the first night in the dorms - on the opposite bed, Kon, Nate, and Eric on his bed, with Matt and Mario on the floor. They were playing a drinking game with cards and most everyone was nice and toasty thanks to all the SoCo rolling around in their systems. Everyone was laughing and having a good time until Mario said, "OK guys, cut the bullshit. What's the real story about this Vers guy? Is that something you guys just made up to fuck with the new guy or what?"

The room got stone silent. Everyone looked at each other until Matt said to Eric, "Should you tell him or should I?"

Nate hopped off the bed and made his way to the door, "You guys are nuts, there's no such thing as The Vers! I'm gonna go take a leak." After he closed the door, Eric faced Mario and said, "He's wrong. The Vers is real. I've seen him."

"You have?" Mario asked, awe-struck.

Eric nodded solemnly. "I was in the bathroom all alone. Then, all of a sudden, all of the showers turned on at the same time. I walked over and I saw him standing there, brushing his teeth. Then, he took the brush out and smiled ... I swear to you there must've been a million tofu dogs sticking out of his mouth; I ran back to my room and locked the door before he made me his next victim."

"So, who IS he?"

Eric continued, "Legend has it that he was a student who lived here many years ago. Apparently, he was dead set against drinking alcohol, and all the kids on his floor, all they DID was drink. One day, a few of them spiked his chocolate pudding with an odorless gin. The Vers ate the pudding, found himself too drunk to function, and fell out of the lounge, through the window, onto a light pole below. Thing impaled him through the stomach. The thing is, they say that as he was falling, he put a curse on Mercer 4-West. And now, every year, he comes back and attacks the new class of freshmen, killing them one ... by one."

--> In the meantime, as Eric gave his little speech about the origins of The Vers, Nate approached the urinal, wiener in hand (this would be the part of the movie where Eric is heard in voiceover, but we see the brutal demise of Nate Myles Long). As he sang Three Dog Night's 'Joy to the World' quietly to himself, a shadow approached from behind. Nate shook the remaining P.U.D. from his member and zipped up, then he turned and his eyes opened up as wide as they could go. <--

As Eric finished telling the tale of The Vers, all of a sudden, the door burst open, and Eddie Lee jumped into Eric's room yelling, scaring the living hell out of everyone inside.

"Dammit Eddie!"

"What the hell, Eddie?"

"Real mature, Ed-man!"

"What? I was just messin' around guys," Eddie said, chuckling in that way Eddie always chuckled. Then, he plopped down onto the bed currently occupied by Pete and Juli.

Disgusted, Juli stood up, walked to the door and said, "I'm tired, I think I'll head to bed." Then, she glared at Pete and whipped her head towards the door, saying, "Peter!"

"Oh! Oh yeah," Pete said, quickly scampering after her.

They made out a little outside her room, then she said, "You get in bed, I'm gonna go freshen up."

"Don't be long," Pete said as he got naked and flopped on top of the bed with the lights off. Moments later, the door creeked open and Pete said, "Is that you, Juli?" The figure at the door said nothing. It approached the bed and put a hand over Pete's eyes. "What are you doing?" Pete felt slightly disturbed for a moment, then thought better of protesting as he felt a hand on his groin. As Pete relished the hand-release, he noticed the grip getting firmer and firmer. "Hey, easy, don't squeeze so tight," he said to no avail. Finally, he heard a rip, and in one quick motion Pete was minus one cock. He tried to scream, but instantly found a hand pressing hard down on his neck. With a snap, that was the end of Pete.

A few minutes later, Juli returned to her room, opening the door and saying, "Why are the lights off?" She flipped the switch, but nothing happened. "Oh well. Are you ready? I think I'm finally ready to go all the way tonight," she said to an empty bed. "Peter? Where'd you go?" Suddenly, the door slammed shut. Juli was no longer alone.

"Who's that? Who's there? Peter, is that you?" Heart racing, slightly frightened but also thinking that Pete was playing a sexy game of hide and seek, Juli grinned and quickly opened up her closet. "Ah ha!" she said ... to an empty closet. "Oh." Then, she turned toward her roommate's closet, opening it and saying, "Ah HA!" as Pete's castrated body tumbled out, knocking her to the ground. "What the fuck?" she blurted before realizing what it was. She actually managed to get out a quick burst of a scream before The Vers jumped out from underneath the bed and sliced Juli's neck from ear to ear.

Those within earshot of the scream thought it was Juli's orgasmic siren's call.

***


In the early morning, after the drinking party died down. 4-West.

As Kon stumbled down the hall toward his room, he saw Devin's open door. Inside, Devin and James were having a tug-o'-war with the naked British chick. Devin was yelling, "She's mine! I made her!" while James pleaded, "But you had your turn! It's my turn now!" Kon stopped to gawk at the naked hotness for a few seconds, then continued on down to his room. He opened the door, saw someone was in Pete's bed under the covers and naturally assumed it was Pete asleep. He then stripped down to his boxers and got in his own bed.

Just as he was about to slide down into sleep, he felt an ice-cold hand on his back and screamed. He rolled over and saw Eddie standing there; he looked across the room and came to the conclusion that Pete was never in his bed at all, it was Eddie the whole time. "Hey Kon, is it okay if I sleep in here tonight? Edward is having another one of his Cheerleader Orgies and it's impossible to sleep with him getting all that ass."

Catching his breath, Kon frowned and said, "Jesus Ed-man, you scared the bejeesus out of me!"

"Sorry Kon. So, can I?"

"I dunno, can I call you 'Ugh'?"

"No you can't!"

"Well, if I can't call you 'Ugh', then you can't sleep in Pete's bed."

Begrudgingly, Eddie said under his breath, "Fine. You can call me 'Ugh'."

"What was that?" Kon said, pretending not to hear.

"I said you can call me 'Ugh'!"

Kon grinned and said, "All right Ugh Lee. Pleasant dreams, Ugh Lee!"

Fifteen minutes later, both were asleep. While Kon slept like a stone throughout the night, Eddie kept hearing the sound of constantly-brushing teeth just outside his ear canal. Every so often, he swatted his ear like he would a fly and the sound would go away momentarily. Then, he'd hear that teeth-brushing sound again. Finally, he sat up in a huff and looked around the room. He bent over the side of Pete's bed to see if anybody was under there playing a trick on him and as he did a razor-sharp pointy end of a toothbrush was lodged through his open mouth and out the other side. Eddie dangled there, draining blood onto the carpet.

The next morning, Kon awoke realizing he was butt-naked. Thinking it was Eddie who stole his boxers in the middle of the night while he was sleeping, he yelled, "Dammit Ed-man! What'd you do with my boxers?" He turned around to find dead Ed-man and again screamed. Eric, who just happened to be wandering the halls, burst into Kon's room and saw what appeared to be a grizzly murder at the hands of Konstantin Zak.

"What the fuck, Kon?"

"I didn't do it, I swear!"

Eric didn't believe his story and neither did the cops. Coupled with the many testimonials of Kon constantly barraging Eddie with a slew of insults - calling him Ugh Lee and the like - Kon found himself in the King County Jail by the end of the day.

***
 
 
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