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29 August 2007 @ 06:16 pm
I wanna say that the movies of 2007 have sucked a limp hairy one, mostly because they have. Hence why I'd salivate at the chance to see Transformers twice in the same week. Hence why damn near every Hollywood blockbuster pales in comparison to independent comedies.

Let me list off sequels to the sequels I never even saw in the first place:

Spiderman
Shrek
Rush Hour
The Bourne Whatever
Pirates of the Caribbean
Harry Potter & The Buttfuck of Jesus

And that isn't even considering all the brand new trash and one-time sequels like Chuck & Larry, Evan Almighty, Underdog, Daddy Day Camp, Fantastic Four, and Wild Hogs to name just a few. By the way, I totally called it back in April when I non-reviewed all of these crap movies with my prejudicial opinions.

Here's a list of the movies I HAVE seen, in all their pathetic glory:

Grindhouse
Superbad
Sicko
The Simpsons Movie
Transformers
Transformers
TMNT
Zodiac
Live Free or Die Hard
The Ten

There might be one here or there I've since forgotten about, but by and large that's it. Ten flicks for the bulk of what 2007 has had to offer. And, really, I was only blown away by Superbad and Zodiac; every other movie I could conceivably criticize until the cows came home. Going to movies is like my favorite thing to do ever. Nothing jazzes me up more than witnessing a quality movie, except maybe the anticipation of quality movies coming out in the near to distant future. Ergo, with Rolling Stone's Fall Movie Preview issue in my hands as we speak, I hereby give you:

Steven A. Taylor's List of What To Watch To Close Out The Shitty Year of 2007


No Country for Old Men - If you're clinging to your final $20 and have no plans on making any more money the rest of the year, take ten of it and go get a handjob from a crack-alley whore and take the other ten and go see this fucking movie! I've seen the previews for this Coen Brothers film a couple times now - they're the guys who've written and directed The Big Lebowski, Fargo, O Brother Where Art Thou, the very underrated The Ladykillers, and Raising Arizona - and I'm thinking this movie just might out-badass them all. Yes, that's correct, I'm making that statement knowing full well that The Big Lebowski is one of my top 3 favorite movies of all time. This guy, Javier Bardem is as large as a bear and as frightening as Death AND his weapon of choice is a cattle stunning gun. Which means - since no bullets are fired, rather a rapid-pumping piston - that he has to go right up to their heads and knock their skulls with the same ferocity ranchers use to kill steers. Fucking awesome; opens November 9th.

There Will Be Blood - Paul Thomas Anderson directs (Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch Drunk Love) as he continues to fly under the radar of national widespread acclaim. According to Rolling Stone, there are rumors that this movie is "violent beyond belief," and why wouldn't it be? I'd see this movie - knowing nothing about the director or star Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York, The Last of the Mohicans) - by the title alone. Are you kidding? If this title was slapped on the aforementioned Coen Brothers movie, I wouldn't be able to write this sentence, what with the convulsing orgasms I'd be experiencing. Either way, be on the lookout for this bloodbath the day after Christmas.

American Gangster - Denzel Washington NOT playing a cookie-cutter, goodie-goodie law man on a revenge tip? Russell Crowe NOT playing a huge douchebag for the first time since Gladiator? Allrighty then, I'm intrigued. November 2nd.

Sweeny Todd - A musical? I'm shutting down inside. A Tim Burton musical? Mmmm, still skeptical. A Tim Burton musical starring Johnny Depp and Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat)? Well, now I've got to sit up and pay attention. A Tim Burton musical starring Johnny Depp and Borat about a demon barber who carves up his customers and turns them into meat pies? I'll see you there on December 21st.

The Darjeeling Limited - Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod ... WES ANDERSON!!! Now, OK, I'm not gonna lie to you, Wes Anderson movies aren't for everybody. A lot of the humor is real subtle and has a tendency of going over your head if you're not paying attention. Which is why, generally, you need to watch his movies - The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic, Rushmore, Bottle Rocket - repeatedly. If you don't appreciate the humor, at the very least you should enjoy the style with which they're directed. Lots of bright colors, interesting characters, storylines that'll catch you off guard with pinpoint precision. Well, this one has Adrien Brody, the suicidal Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, and Anjelica Huston back in the fold, and by all accounts could be the most moving piece of cinema you'll see this year. Out September 29th (unless this Owen Wilson thing pushes it back some).

Charlie Wilson's War - This one might get more hype than it's worth, but it's still Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. How bad could it be?

We Own the Night - Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg. I'm (probably) there.
 
 
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