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02 June 2007 @ 12:59 pm
I'm officially addicted to Amy Winehouse. It's all over for me. The last three days I think I've listened to her album four times and I'm going in for number five. Anybody who's unaware, she's a white girl from England who sings like a black girl from the 1960s, straight outta Motown. It's insane; just download the song "Rehab", you'll think you've died and landed in the Apollo Theater forty years ago.

But, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about the 13. Specifically, the military unit from which the two main characters in the TV show Rome belonged. I've just seen the greatest thing ever; I don't even know how to explain it.

Rome has officially risen in the ranks of TV Shows from a 6 to a solid 8.9 all thanks to this one episode. Episode 11 of Season 1.

See, I've been less than impressed with this show because they dumbed down the violence and hyped up all the fucking. Which is fine, but dammit, if I'm gonna watch a Gladiator-type show, I want some fucking swordsmanship! Episode 11 of Season 1 finally delivered.

His name is Titus Pullo, he's a scalawag. Long story short, his life has led him to make an enemy of his best friend (also from the 13) and for him to hire himself out as a contract killer for a scumbag. He ends up getting caught, put on trial, and found guilty. They send him to the Arena.

The Arena is exactly what it sounds like; big stadium, lots of spectators thirsty for blood, and a group of large men with weapons. They give Titus Pullo a sword and leave him alone to defend himself. The idea is, he may wound one or two men, but with more and more coming, he'll eventually be killed and the crowd will rejoice. Only, Titus Pullo is depressed and just wants to die, so he leaves the sword on the ground and takes a seat. The large men with weapons can't rightly just kill a man who's not defending himself, so they offer their cocks for him to suck and a variety of other taunts in hopes that Titus Pullo will pick up his sword and take his medicine.

And then the large men with weapons make disparaging remarks about the 13.

And then it is motherfucking ON like motherfucking Donkey KONG.

It was ... the single greatest one-man massacre job I have EVER SEEN. Titus Pullo goes on to slaughter like eight large men with weapons, all the while shouting "Thirteen! Thirteen!" Likewise, this is the greatest reversal of crowd sentiment since Rocky won over the Russians in Rocky IV. I mean, limbs were flying, blood was pouring, it was glorious.

And then they sent out The Finisher. This dude, he was sick. He was, like, a combined one and a half large men with weapons, and his weapon was this long stick of metal with a pointy ball of spikes on one end and a spear-like conclusion on the other end. At this point, Titus Pullo was exhausted; he could barely move. That's when his former best friend - who'd been witness to this LeBronesque performance - finally jumps in to defend Titus Pullo. Long fight sequence short: he chops off The Finisher's right leg at the knee, then takes The Finisher's metal weapon and SHOVES it into his shoulderblade ... all the way down through his body until the pointy ball of spikes is sitting there next to his head. Like a second head, only pointy and with spikes.

I was floored. I couldn't speak. It was like an explosive orgasm after 10 hours of playing with my balls; it was ... I can't ... THIRTEEEEEEENNNNNN!!!!!!
 
 
Current Mood: What Kind of Fuckery is This?
Current Music: Amy Winehouse - Me And Mr. Jones